GETTING THERE

... I'm starting virtually from square one and I hate it.

I've been down this road before; I know how difficult these early miles are and how they will be a test of mental and physical strength.

While not relishing these early and painful miles, I've done it before. I'm ready for it. I'm not going to belittle myself for not being the pace I was last year and I'm not going to cry if I don't PR at my next race (November 8).

I am so happy to be back out there, working back towards something I love so much. Endurance running saved my life and while I don't need to keep running with saving my life on my mind, I can run with the joy that I am able to run (no matter how slow the pace is). I've been consistent this week. Cross training tomorrow, a long run on Saturday and a recovery run on Sunday. These small victories are better than what September looked like and for that, I am grateful.

But everyone's doing it.

I did it! I did a cleanse. Now, I can say I'm an official Angeleno. Living/working in the city it seems like everyone is on a cleanse or has done a cleanse. You compare notes, talk about how long you did it, benefits of cleansing etc. Friends were concerned about a completely liquid and gave me alternate modalities. I combined what my old roommate and trainer suggested along with the Clementine Cleanse. I stuck to the exercise method laid out by roommate/trainer and leaned up. I was happy with the results, but less happy with the month-long diet after.

I’m struggling with that diet. I have more slips than successes. In general, I do better when I’m given suggestions for success rather than a strict diet. The strict diet makes me like an obstinate child. I'm sad... AND I know a chocolate chip cookie recipe by heart. Ok, I'll make a quick half-batch. This is no way to get to my rhythm skinny.* (Rhythm skinny, a term I've given ballroom dancers who do Latin styles in skimpy outfits.) One friend delicately pointed out, "Rhythm Skinny"was a goal in the beginning of the summer. The gentle reminder helped me reframe that I was trying these limited diets for myself rather than doing it for society or someone else. But, with heartache that is too deep to describe for a fitness & exercise blog, staying on track and honoring my original goal has been more difficult, especially when I know the chlorate chip cookie recipe by heart. Besides, dieting is no fun. My family doesn’t diet well. We do best eating sensibly and the exercising. I’d rather do that. Focus on physical things I like to do, rather than deprivation.

Exercising and eating while working for yourself is tough. I was pumped about producing a horror short with a very talented director. But, since he didn’t feel comfortable signing a contract guaranteeing me pay, I’m walking away.  I can work for myself, investing time in my own projects and have a better Return On Investment of time. In exciting news, an oncologist I’ve worked with approached me to help build his neurogenetics center, so when posed with the question: Would you rather produce a horror short or help find a cure for cancer, my answer will always be: Help find a cure for cancer.

The next couple months will be busy. October has 2 weddings and at the end of the month I have my dance showcase where my routine is nearly full bronze with some silver patterns thrown in. I have a 10k in November and then holiday races. With the new projects and a wonderful relationship coming to an end, my heart and mind are all over the place. I’ve been using the Hal Higdon off and on, but I needed a better focus. I’m nearly starting from square one again. It seemed appropriate to bring out the big guns and use the training schedule that was specifically designed for me by my first coach. The early miles are short, but he has lots of cross training built in.  (The cross-training will be great for ballroom dance and/or weights.) While Ryan had to move to MSP for work, I’m loving using this. I feel like I have him looking over my shoulder. This with a modified diet program from my former roommate and Italian trainer, I feel rejuvenated. Everything will have to be recalibrate. I'll have to remind myself while it's okay to be sad, sugar will not be the million dollar pill to make everything okay. 

Highs and Lows of Summer Training

The trouble with summer in Los Angeles is that it’s hot and sunny. Prior to the miserable heat we got in mid to late August,  I’ve was  gaining training success, measured by consistency and endurance. While I reviled in my success and increasing stamina, after each workout I swore to myself I would write about my running high when I got home. I got preoccupied when I got home. With another month between posts, again I failed.   And it seems that's how I've lived most of my summer. Riding the highs and lows of successes and failures. It felt completely out of my control.  There have been days where I can't wait to get out of bed, waking before my alarm clock and getting to the park to throw some miles down. There have been days where despair gripped me and all I wanted to do was hit snooze. 

Despite depression and sadness lurking in the background there have been more days of happiness than anxiety I won't be able to get "it" right, whatever "it" is.  
I had a short-term Italian roommate during the summer. He is an actor and personal trainer and we talked about cooking and the entertainment industry. Even though he has many training certificates, I never explained how I’ve been working to get myself into Marathon Shape. That just seemed too personal.  

He was a night owl and usually asleep when I was leaving to go on my morning run. Reflecting on the shorter runs I did when I first started endurance running, I focused on these. It seemed silly to drive 10 minutes to go to the park to go for a 1.5-2 mile run, but this is the same park where I’ve done most of my training. My feet and soul understand the packed dirt and the turns.   

The morning people are very different than the evening-after-work-runners. They engage and encourage. One particular morning sticks in my mind. I had done my run and stretch and now working on my Rhumba walks. Since I was engaging different muscles and focusing more on balance and core, I was using a chain link fence as a guide in case I started to tumble. While I focused on posture and not losing balance, a barefoot runner (a little younger than my dad) engaged me in conversation.  We talked about the passion for running, family etc.  

The nice thing about the running community is that your community is always expanding. Our schedules didn’t always coincide and truthfully, there were days I didn’t sleep well and had to sleep in ‘til 7am and by then, it was too hot to run. On one of the days where we were exercising at the same time, he waved me over and introduced me to a tattooed runner. In turn the tattooed runner offered to run a lap with me if I wanted company.  Now, I had two new running friends.  

On one of these running days I was doing a short run and the barefoot runner asked me if I did 2x2s. I confessed that I didn’t because I hate 200 repeats. He invited me to run one with him. Not wanting to offend a new friend, I did a 200 with him and as I did my cool down, I thought, well, that wasn’t so bad. And I remembered that when I try something new, it’s never easy the first couple times, I just need to stick with it.  

August heat has settled in again, and I continued to talk with my roommate about his training, eating regimen and the benefits of fasting. He’s back in Italy now, but from this distance he offered to monitor me in a controlled week-long fast whenever I wanted. The fasting I am not worried about as there are plenty of cultures that using fasting in religious practices. My roommate turned trainer and I discussed the best time to start the program and what he'll permit me to do. Walking. Twenty minutes a day, that's it.  Once I’m done with this, I can start training again. I have a dance showcase in October and even found a fall 10k I want to do.  While continuing to develop other projects with my partner, I'm also producing a horror short. Am I taking on too much? Possibly. But that’s what I do. I have goals. A lot of goals. Besides, the man I was dating has to move for work and the practicality of a multi-continent relationship for 3 years is grim. The additional challenges will help pre-occupy my mind. As comfortable as I am internalizing things and staying in my head-space, there isn’t a better outlet than exercise.  

And while I struggle with staying active and staying with a training schedule while building a career, one thing is for sure: While I may not be in marathon shape, I am at my most fit and feel more like my family than I ever now that I am getting (physical) balance and need to be active I never had. 

Training While Traveling

I had the best of intentions when packing to go film in Atlanta and then travel to Boston and Connecticut to see friends and family. I packed my running shoes, pants, Garmin watch and various lengths of running shirts. Heck, during filming I woke up early one morning and contemplated hitting the gym. Instead,  I rationalized with my sleep deficit more sleep would be better. Instead of going to the gym, I slept and then had breakfast of waffles and peanut butter.

My trip to Boston was no better. I saw some good friends and sure, it’s Boston so there was walking, but staying an extra day to walk the Freedom Trail held no appeal. The most walking I did was from my friend’s house to the T stop (a half mile) and then taking a circuitous route from his office in the Prudential Center to my other friend’s work at Boylston and Tremont. In Boston, again, I had failed at carving out time to exercise. What I was successful in doing was drinking copious (for me) amounts of alcohol and eating terrific food while seeing friends.

And, what did I do when I got to Connecticut? You’d think possibly the week and a half I had at my parents’ would garner some exercise. Hardly. The most I did was walk a mile every other day with my mom and her horse. These short walks were often followed by a nap. Okay, so maybe I was over 8 hours behind on my weekly sleep goal of 56 hours a week. There are two times in my life I remember sleeping as much as I did,  the first was the weeks after my brain surgery when eating breakfast would tax me so much it often resulted in a 4 hour nap. The second time was the summer after I graduated college, and before I left for Los Angeles. I know sleep shouldn’t be the enemy. But, there is so much I want to do.  One thing that changed my attitude on naps was reading that Ryan Hall takes naps. Ryan friggin Hall naps! Holy moly.

Did I get any runs in during my trip? No. In fact, I left feeling fat and bloated from eating too much and not exercising.  On the other hand, I was deeply satiated by seeing family and friends. Now that I'm back in Los Angeles I can refocus. Sure, these miles are going to be more difficult. Prior to the shoot I felt like I couldn’t take time away from pre-production and invest time to run. This was a setback. This is also insane mind you. We are always going to have things that are going to clamor for our attention. If we want to live a long healthy life, we need to carve out time for us to maintain our fitness goals.

Back to square one. Again. I logged some slow short miles this week and next week will be more of the same. In all likelihood many of the coming weeks will be slow short runs before I feel ready to tackle an official marathon training program.

Emotional Energy

There are days you go out on an easy 3 mile run.  Today was not one of those days. A mile into it, I realized I didn't have enough emotional energy to sustain me. I walked the other two.

Going to try again tonight.