Unexpected Progress

It feels like all I’ve been doing is go to work, come home, have dinner & go to bed. It’s not a rut per se, but it has been an ugly cycle.  I have desperately been trying to shift my paradigm back to the more active always-productive Sarah.  Try as I might, I on a plateau with a massive vertical wall in front of me. I’ve searched for a finger & foot-holds. I found some, but when I would climb, but no matter how much progress I made, I lose my grip & slide back down.  People constantly grow & build on skills. When we are tested, it may feel like we’ve experienced a setback, but we’ve actually made progresses because we are a stronger individual than we were prior to gaining the new skills.

Looking back on the enormous energy I expended after surgery to do simple things like get out bed & sit in a chair or shower by myself, the me of today is proud of the me from 18 months ago. But, today, I would not be satisfied with such a mundane existence. I now look for other ways to push myself. Despite these humbling benchmarks, in the day-to-day & week-to-week of living, seeing progress is difficult.

Last week I took advantage of my office closure & had a follow-up appointment with my neurologist on Monday. She administered the standard neurological tests. We started with fine motor, then it was on to gross motor. I walked a straight line, then walked heal to toe. She followed up this malicious examination by having me walk on my tippy toes & then lean my weight on my heals & walk like that. She proclaimed since my last appointment I improved remarkably. I thought she was being kind & even joked when I wobbled on one of the tests that walking a straight line has always been tough & my friends tell me I can’t pass a sobriety test sober. She qualified her remark by noting I had better over-all balance & body control while having a more steady gate. Still thinking she was full of shit, I thanked her graciously had some girl talk about weight loss & then confirmed I my 6-month follow-up.

 

On Thursday, still thinking she was full of shit, I went for a bike ride. Despite having tires that were a little soft, I noted how much easier cycling was since the last time I road, (which is pushing 3 months ago). I rode to the Chandler Bike Path from my apartment & then the entire path.  (This is a round trip of 10 miles.) Like I did on my first long bike ride, I passed Buena Vista & gave a wave to Providence St. Joseph Medical Center & my caregivers there. I road to the end & & enjoyed the accomplishment as I drank my water.

On my return, I was tired & unsure if I could make it back. I figured more air was in order. I found a NAPA store with a mechanic. He did not accept my offer to purchase air; he just gave it to me. He even got fancy & took out his tire pressure gauge.  I thanked him profusely & road away. Filled with air for my tires & confidence in my heart for my accomplishments, I knew I could make it home. I’m still not setting the world on fire, but my Garmin Forerunner GPS tells me my speed has increased, & I know additional speed will come. 

Off the DL

Last week, while I was leaving the control booth of our TV show, one of my bosses paid me the complement, “Wow, Sarah- you actually look good.” I had spent more time putting on makeup, using my 10x magnifying mirror, but still I was a little shocked. My other boss called me back and gave my boss a lesson in how to pay a complement, which was marginally better. At the end of the week, he did a little groveling and basically said that I don’t look as tired.  THIS was probably the most accurate thing he could have said.

Two days after I returned to work in late January, the Disability Department phoned to tell me that my neurosurgeon indicated that I could return to work as late as May 10, 2011. Apparently, I looked less fatigued last week because I was less fatigued. I hadn’t realized I still looked that worn out from just healing.

The healing process has only made me marginally more patient. I want to get better quick, and like many friends who are going through brain surgery or some kind of Cyber Knife therapy, we are all impatient with healing. The need to get better and to run and just be normal won’t be satiated a few weeks after surgery. Lacing up the shoes and feeling your feet click against the road feeds the spirit. Even on days where I feel crummy, but still run, it reminds me how far I’ve come from lying in the ICU.

My incisions have healed, the hole from where my head was secured to the operating table has vanished, and my hair is slowly growing back. Here, on May 10^th, the day I could have returned to work from disability, I did my full 8-hours and then a 3.5 mile run after work. This was one of those days that I’ve had since surgery where I feel better than I’ve ever felt. As I’ve gotten farther and farther away from surgery, the number of those better than ever days have increased. It feels as though with my workouts, I’ll be battling myself more and my “To Do” list than battling recovery fatigue.  On those days where I am tired, I’ll have to access if it’s a true fatigue (where my body is telling me it needs rest) or that lazy “To Do” list waiting kind of fatigue.

I struggled with training consistently prior to surgery because I had taken on a new job with new hours and new mental demands. On the upside- I am now lacking a brain tumor, so sticking to my training schedule is possible.

Let's hope I can maintain this positive attitude after a follow-up tomorrow with an additional doctor I gained this year.