Another Paradigm Shift...

With taking on a fitness challenge, setbacks are inevitable. I wouldn’t be serving myself or anyone else if I weren’t honest about the stumbling blocks I’ve encountered. I have continued to repeat Week One, hoping that I would be able to be more successful than the previous week. I’ve been told that “hopes” should be reserved for Santa Claus and that I need to be pro-active with my paradigm shift.   (Even though I have already shifted my paradigm once from a sedentary lifestyle to endurance runner.) People tell you to “grab the bull by the horns,” but really, this is difficult, no matter how many times you have or haven’t done an activity.

You cannot compare yourself to others; you must compare yourself to yourself.  I know what my body is capable of, but still this year is different than last year. Sunday marked the 3^rd Malibu Marathon. It is only a year ago that I ran my 5^th half-marathon with a 2-inch honkin’ brain tumor. Today, I need more sleep and face other challenges. Fortunately, my health isn’t in jeopardy like it was last year, but my health is different. Even though the tumor is gone, I was not able to maintain cardiovascular or quad fitness it takes to tackle the Malibu Hills. I can blame one of my doctors for sending me into a spiral depression so I said, “forget running,” or I can blame God for giving me a brain tumor. Really, the only person I have to hold accountable is myself.  It is for that reason my poor workout accomplishments are above.

The laundry list of failing each “new” week is quite extensive. With my setback, I remember to relish some of the accomplishments, and attempt to keep those as reminders to forge ahead. I over came a frustrating summer.  My Garmin died during one run and I have yet to send it back to get a replacement. I started wearing my Timex like I did when I fist started running. I took it back even more and threw my “drt equation” (distance equals rate times time) out with the trash- I simply started focusing on distance… I’d get there when I’d get there. Speed would come. And so far, it is slowly coming back. I did all this, and then I was saddled with something that added another layer of complication: more responsibility at work.  That said, I have taken the advice of other running enthusiasts: Get your run in before work, then it won’t matter if you work late.

Last year at this time I was feeling pretty crummy and couldn’t understand why.  My journal even quips that I wonder if I have a brain tumor because it’s the only thing that could make one feel this bad. I’ve got almost everything I want- family/friends, my health, great job, and soon a 7^th half-marathon. I’m not worried about time (although, if we’re being honest, it is fun to think about), I just want to finish and finish strong.

Off the DL

Last week, while I was leaving the control booth of our TV show, one of my bosses paid me the complement, “Wow, Sarah- you actually look good.” I had spent more time putting on makeup, using my 10x magnifying mirror, but still I was a little shocked. My other boss called me back and gave my boss a lesson in how to pay a complement, which was marginally better. At the end of the week, he did a little groveling and basically said that I don’t look as tired.  THIS was probably the most accurate thing he could have said.

Two days after I returned to work in late January, the Disability Department phoned to tell me that my neurosurgeon indicated that I could return to work as late as May 10, 2011. Apparently, I looked less fatigued last week because I was less fatigued. I hadn’t realized I still looked that worn out from just healing.

The healing process has only made me marginally more patient. I want to get better quick, and like many friends who are going through brain surgery or some kind of Cyber Knife therapy, we are all impatient with healing. The need to get better and to run and just be normal won’t be satiated a few weeks after surgery. Lacing up the shoes and feeling your feet click against the road feeds the spirit. Even on days where I feel crummy, but still run, it reminds me how far I’ve come from lying in the ICU.

My incisions have healed, the hole from where my head was secured to the operating table has vanished, and my hair is slowly growing back. Here, on May 10^th, the day I could have returned to work from disability, I did my full 8-hours and then a 3.5 mile run after work. This was one of those days that I’ve had since surgery where I feel better than I’ve ever felt. As I’ve gotten farther and farther away from surgery, the number of those better than ever days have increased. It feels as though with my workouts, I’ll be battling myself more and my “To Do” list than battling recovery fatigue.  On those days where I am tired, I’ll have to access if it’s a true fatigue (where my body is telling me it needs rest) or that lazy “To Do” list waiting kind of fatigue.

I struggled with training consistently prior to surgery because I had taken on a new job with new hours and new mental demands. On the upside- I am now lacking a brain tumor, so sticking to my training schedule is possible.

Let's hope I can maintain this positive attitude after a follow-up tomorrow with an additional doctor I gained this year.