Reignited Motivation

Two days in a row! Two miles logged each day. I feel great.

I won’t kid you… Day two the first half mile was rough, really rough. But, I pushed myself to dig down to the last time I was here and remember that I pushed through painful miles before. It’s sill a matter of cardiovascular fortitude and not liking the discomfort. But remarkably, I found a nice comfortable and natural pace. worked through it, slowed my pace, but kept pushing with the running. I know I have more runs like this ahead of me. Those dreaded runs where I want to stop, but if I want to get back into Marathon Shape, I have to keep pushing. Ten miles is my goal it is my favorite long run distance with friends. But once I get there, how fast do I want to run it? I’m competitive with myself, so naturally, I’ll want to run it faster each time. Right now, I’m concentrating on a weekly goal of 15 miles or more. And, in this moment, I’m feeling Greeaaaaat! I was going to do some quick abs after the run. (In the winter I found some great yoga abs and I’m using it again.) I’m feeling so good, ab work requires more than just dropping to all fours to do Dynamic Down Dog or Step Out Planks. No sir, didn’t keep it quiet. I found my best high octane sports club music and cranked it!

Two days in a row of running and I’ve already logged two miles for this week.  I’m going to keep the trend going. I found my mojo. Maybe, it’s from gnashing it out in keystrokes and a few painful runs. Maybe it’s the ballroom dance competition at the end of April. And just maybe, it's from the new conversations and self reflection to create a new perfect storm of success and conviction. Now, the trick is to hang on to it and not get in my own way.

Where's My Motivation?

This was originally intended to be posted March 20, 2016....

I wish I could recreate those moments where it felt so good… Only 5 weeks ago I had conviction. I was exercising daily. I was logging into my various apps, tracking nutrition, water, sleep and exercise. My conviction for improved health hasn’t been that strong since surgery. In 2011, I was just trying to be normal and prove brain surgery and the possible brain cancer wouldn’t keep me down. But this year, everything was different. This time, inspiration and drive was coming from everywhere…. There was the coworker who told me about his Saturday runs in the hills of Griffith Park and what caused the paradigm shift. We talked about simple things, like becoming a better runner is a matter of deciding to get out of bed or to sleep in. Then there are my running friends. They are slightly more competitive with themselves….

So much so that one insists you can't wear a FitBit while working out. You can’t fault her logic because a workout is a workout and the  FitBit is designed to track in your “sedentary” day. Then, there is the crew of people I met by joining Body Space. This is an online community of people on various exercise and nutrition plans working towards their individual health goals. I had all these forces pushing me to be my best and lighting the fire. But, now, finding that happy fire in my belly is impossible. I want to recreate these moments, but I’ve been struggling to get it together. What is wrong with me? All these conversations were happy accidents. Besides, in addition to these big moments, there were probably instances that were so small I didn’t recognize their importance to fire me up at the time. I don’t know how to get it back and trying to recreate these conversations may not yield the same results.

I got two slow miles in again. The cardio hurts like it always does when you restart. But even with my chest burning I pushed through most of the places where I wanted to start walking. And, I loved it. I forgot about the psychological thrill you get when you just go. To my surprise, going didn't seem that bad. It was fun and easier than expected. I need running like eating, I must do it before the day gets out of hand. Running in the morning also makes me more mindful of what I put in my body.

GET ONE ON THE BOOKS

Not me. Not ever.

.  . . And I’m back. 

I’m feeling supremely good. I have the runners’ high that everyone speaks of. When I began the running journey in 2008, I thought people were mad for getting excited over running.

Who gets giddy, excited, high from running?

I'm the girl who "ran" Track and Field in high school and did all the weight events to avoid the running portion of Track and Field. I never understood the runners high. When I got deeper into my marathon training, I learned that it is an actual thing and it's something somebody even like me can have.

Training has been difficult. I started off strong in the spring and summer, but after going through a difficult “break up” in the late part of summer and early fall, those necessary training runs fell by the wayside. A friend called me out on Face Book and suggested I do a 10k that was to benefit brain tumor research. After dallying on signing up for a 10k closer to home, I immediately signed up for that one. I was re-commited to endurance training and dug out my marathon training schedule from 2008/2009. I started laying down the miles.  Muscle memory is great when you're revisiting a neighborhood you haven't been to in awhile, but the muscle memory I experienced with these runs was amazing. Sure, my muscles got a little tired and fatigued. My lung capacity isn’t what it was, but these runs were nothing like the first 3, 4 and 5 mile runs I did when I first found the sport of endurance running.

I was feeling good, but not great. And, certainly not confident. I figured I would use the 10k (6.2 miles) as a training run and just train through. This way, I wouldn’t need to worry about time, a PR or anything. But, I’m a runner, I worry about those things. As my coach from my first marathon told me- Have 3 goals: 1 that you can achieve with work, one that is doable, and the third should always be to finish. My goal was to do a sub 1:21 10k. That was my pace during my marathon, and it was a better 10k pace than the race I did with the closeted smoker. With my toes on my left foot bothering me after a 5 mile run the week before the race and my bridge of my right foot bothering me, I readjusted…. Sub 1:30. Well, that’s what I told everyone and what I tried to tell myself. But I still wanted that sub 1:21 even though I was doubtful I could achieve it.

Within the last year, I discover I have a small wheat intolerance, which forced me to change my eating regimen the night before my long runs. For my 10k, I had a giant bowl of quinoa, some grocery store sushi, 2 glasses of red wine and promptly overslept. I woke up at the time I should be leaving for the race. Fortunately, my ex-boyfriend who was a runner drilled it into my head that you need to lay out all your clothes on a chair the night before. That way you can’t possibly miss anything. When the chair is empty, you know you have all your stuff and you’re ready. 

After waking up late, I threw my extra quinoa in the microwave and ran around the house like a maniac cursing that I slept through my alarms and the imminent road closures I would experience when I got closer to the course. Unable to do my traditional pre-long run morning ritual, I shoveled breakfast into my mouth at red lights. Some how, as I got closer, the road divergences weren’t too bad. Pulling into the parking lot, I finished breakfast and had half a banana.

The rest of the morning was a lot of pre-race festitivies to get the runners excited about the run. This was, after all, a brain tumor event. Survivors were wearing grey shirts. There were probably 10 of us I spotted on the course.

The first mile was slow. So slow. People kept passing me. I was getting discouraged, but dug in. I had been here before, slow to start and run my own race. I kept telling myself, "don’t psych yourself out. Just run the pace that feels good." I knew looking at my watch, I'd inherently slow down thinking my pace was impossible, so I just kept running.

One of my running friends who had run the 5k, found me just after mile 4 and we ran a mile together. She had to peel off to meet friends for brunch, but she told me I had a downhill to look forward to for the rest of the course. I passed people who had passed me, shared waves with other brain tumor survivors and almost crashed into a woman who decided to cross the course at the finish line. 

When the official results came out, I was floored. I didn’t run a 1:21 10k; I ran a 1:13…. A full 8 minutes faster than what I wanted and a full 18 minutes faster than what I expected. This puts my overall pace at 11:46. Sure, it’s a race pace, but my natural pace is somewhere between what I WAS running and this. Now, I have a new sweet spot, a new training pace. I know I can endure long runs at this pace. 

Coupled with tempo runs/intervals/200 repeats/hill repeats, you name it, I’ll get my sub 2:30:00 half. What’s more this and the ballroom go hand in hand. My balance from ballroom has strengthened my core and overall improved my form. My running strengthens my cardiovascular and allows me to keep up with my daning parter/coach. 

I’m absolutley humbled by what I’ve been able to accomplish. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: It’s Amaing What You Can Do Without A Brain Tumor.

GETTING THERE

... I'm starting virtually from square one and I hate it.

I've been down this road before; I know how difficult these early miles are and how they will be a test of mental and physical strength.

While not relishing these early and painful miles, I've done it before. I'm ready for it. I'm not going to belittle myself for not being the pace I was last year and I'm not going to cry if I don't PR at my next race (November 8).

I am so happy to be back out there, working back towards something I love so much. Endurance running saved my life and while I don't need to keep running with saving my life on my mind, I can run with the joy that I am able to run (no matter how slow the pace is). I've been consistent this week. Cross training tomorrow, a long run on Saturday and a recovery run on Sunday. These small victories are better than what September looked like and for that, I am grateful.

But everyone's doing it.

I did it! I did a cleanse. Now, I can say I'm an official Angeleno. Living/working in the city it seems like everyone is on a cleanse or has done a cleanse. You compare notes, talk about how long you did it, benefits of cleansing etc. Friends were concerned about a completely liquid and gave me alternate modalities. I combined what my old roommate and trainer suggested along with the Clementine Cleanse. I stuck to the exercise method laid out by roommate/trainer and leaned up. I was happy with the results, but less happy with the month-long diet after.

I’m struggling with that diet. I have more slips than successes. In general, I do better when I’m given suggestions for success rather than a strict diet. The strict diet makes me like an obstinate child. I'm sad... AND I know a chocolate chip cookie recipe by heart. Ok, I'll make a quick half-batch. This is no way to get to my rhythm skinny.* (Rhythm skinny, a term I've given ballroom dancers who do Latin styles in skimpy outfits.) One friend delicately pointed out, "Rhythm Skinny"was a goal in the beginning of the summer. The gentle reminder helped me reframe that I was trying these limited diets for myself rather than doing it for society or someone else. But, with heartache that is too deep to describe for a fitness & exercise blog, staying on track and honoring my original goal has been more difficult, especially when I know the chlorate chip cookie recipe by heart. Besides, dieting is no fun. My family doesn’t diet well. We do best eating sensibly and the exercising. I’d rather do that. Focus on physical things I like to do, rather than deprivation.

Exercising and eating while working for yourself is tough. I was pumped about producing a horror short with a very talented director. But, since he didn’t feel comfortable signing a contract guaranteeing me pay, I’m walking away.  I can work for myself, investing time in my own projects and have a better Return On Investment of time. In exciting news, an oncologist I’ve worked with approached me to help build his neurogenetics center, so when posed with the question: Would you rather produce a horror short or help find a cure for cancer, my answer will always be: Help find a cure for cancer.

The next couple months will be busy. October has 2 weddings and at the end of the month I have my dance showcase where my routine is nearly full bronze with some silver patterns thrown in. I have a 10k in November and then holiday races. With the new projects and a wonderful relationship coming to an end, my heart and mind are all over the place. I’ve been using the Hal Higdon off and on, but I needed a better focus. I’m nearly starting from square one again. It seemed appropriate to bring out the big guns and use the training schedule that was specifically designed for me by my first coach. The early miles are short, but he has lots of cross training built in.  (The cross-training will be great for ballroom dance and/or weights.) While Ryan had to move to MSP for work, I’m loving using this. I feel like I have him looking over my shoulder. This with a modified diet program from my former roommate and Italian trainer, I feel rejuvenated. Everything will have to be recalibrate. I'll have to remind myself while it's okay to be sad, sugar will not be the million dollar pill to make everything okay.