|Audrey Hepburrn in the|
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
This weekend my kitchen calendar bares markings that it has never had. In giant black permanent marker Saturday & Sunday are blocked off for “SLEEP.” Yes, I had normal weekend stuff to do like grocery shopping and laundry, but when it came to a “should I do this activity” or an “I’m not maximizing these 48 hours away from the office,” I looked at my calendar and saw SLEEP was scheduled. And, who is one to argue with the calendar? Seeing my scheduled sleep gave me permission to just relax and just take in the breaths of life. I did what my friend, Rachel, has been after me to do since surgery- Sleep until I wake up and when I wake up, roll over and go back to sleep. I took the “wash, rinse, repeat” advice. Sunday I didn’t get up until after 11, which for me is much later than what I allow myself…
Truth be told, now that I have clarity of vision and purpose… (both physically from the tumor removal and spiritually from standing over the abyss) I admit that I have even more drive to excel, to be my very best, and to pack as many moments, memories, and opportunities into my waking moments. (And apparently, I’m packing as any words into a sentence as possible too) I can’t help the need to be do-doing. Without the do-do, I have always felt like I wasn’t pushing hard enough to break through.
After suffering a small break-down Saturday from working on a screenplay about my experience of life post brain surgery and watching a trailer for THE VOW and another one for 50/50, the PTSD reared it’s ugly head. I felt anxiety while grocery shopping and panic gripped me when I walked across the parking lot. My sister reminded me that I need to breath, and stop the do-doing. Stop trying so hard to always be busy working on my career or trying to prove something. (I have been trying to prove something since I was a child, so the concept of not trying is as abstract as string theory.) I need to just be okay with the quiet. (I never have been.) She reiterated that when the sad moments come, it’s okay. Having to readjust my focus or at least be okay with the idea of having PTSD and then accepting and allowing myself to experience the grief and anxiety is equally okay. I shouldn’t limit myself from seeing things that may/may not trigger sorrow. I don’t want to live in the anxiety and I don’t want to really hold on to the events of December 2010. But, it is part of my history, and a year and half isn’t that much time to readjust oneself. If I quietly mention to of grief wafting into my conscious mind, they too let their guard down too and show their fear from December 2010. None of us are the same. Our worlds are forever altered.
So, going forward- I have the PTSD hypnosis MP3 created by Brennan Smith, CHt, more sleep, more honesty with grief and fear and certainly MORE RUNNING!