Dancing - Because I Can!

"From the oldest of times, people danced for a number of reasons. They danced in prayer... or so that their crops would be plentiful... or so their hunt would be good. And they danced to stay physically fit... and show their community spirit. And they danced to celebrate." Ren, Footloose

A Jive Fusion to Footloose
choreographed by Matthew Patrick.

When I was in Kindergarten, I was sick every Thursday. (Thursday was gym.) Nobody bought into this malarkey and my mom and teacher soon made the connection I did not want to go to gym. Due to poor gross motor, at the age of 8, I started taking Physical Therapy and continued ‘til I graduated primary school. Being able to do simple things like balance on one foot, toss a beanbag into a bucket or keep up with the other kids was difficult. After my cerebellur brain tumor was successfully removed (December 2010) and my brain regained a more appropriate shape, things got easier. I made a “TO DO” list and included “Become a better dancer.” I started taking lessons and fell in love with ballroom dancing. Now, I am dancing to celebrate.

I’ve never felt this good in my entire life. Yes, becoming a better dancer was on there, but it was a vague and amorphous goal. I did not expect my learning would include: Waltz, Tango, Foxtrot, Jive, Swing, Bachata, Salsa, Hustle, Rhuma, Cha-Cha…. And the list continues to grow.

Jim Clark and me, just before our pro-am
competition in Smooth.

I started ballroom dancing in January 2014. All my instructors had infinite patience. I spent many hours with Matthew Patrick, my first instructor. I saw him so much, if you looked at my calendar, you'd think we were dating. I had private lessons and then group classes and more private lessons where I could review what I learned in the group class. We were also working towards our performance of a jive fusion to Kenny Loggins’s Footloose on April 6. While he was attending a conservatory, Matthew Patrick took some time off so we could do a reprise of the performance in May. That same day I also did a pro-am Fossee style number with Miranda Eldridge to "All that Jazz" from Chicago. And during all this I started working with Jim Clark. He understood the weakness of gross motor, continued balance troubles and difficulties of overcoming a brain trauma.  He worked with me to build more strength and stamina with dancing. He suggested that we compete in the upcoming pro-am competition that between several studios in the San Fernando Valley. I was hesitant, but really wanted to do it. I confided these hopes and fears with yoga instructor, Laura Haug of Yoga Blend. She told me that if I had any interest in doing it, I should do it because I wouldn't want to look back and regret I didn't try this scary thing. Jim and I had a solid partnership and he continued to push me towards not just knowing key moves in begining bronze level, but to execute them with confidence and strength.  In July 2014, we competed. It's something I don't regret and now in addition to getting another marathon on the books, I want to add competitive ballroom dancing. As much as I loved dancing jive fusion and the rhythm dances, working towards this new competitive level of competing in American Smooth quickly had my heart, especially the Foxtrot.

Dancing has been one of those things I wanted to do, but never expected it would enhance my life so much or be so important… from the first performance on April 6 to the team match in July to continuing with a curriculum of working on building core strength, balance and right down to tendon strength. The emotional strength I have gained is something I did not anticipate. (Although, this seems true with many of us- we set out to achieve one goal and in the process earn something else.)

Miranda Eldridge and me dancing
to "All that Jazz."

I wanted to write more about the experience closer to it, but free time was devoted to dancing or running or writing…. Sitting down to intellectually write about all the emotions that come from  not only excelling in things you struggled with most of your life, but dealing with the ongoing PTSD, was not time I could commit.  I needed to use that "free time" and emotional space to physically make my body understand what it was learning while continuing to emotionally deal with being in positions such as the hammerlock or rotating between partners in group classes. Some of the later has proved and continues to be a larger struggle.

"From the oldest of times, people danced for a number of reasons…"

I will continue to dance. I cannot stop. The better I get the more I want to do it. To show off, to get better…. A better line, a better lift, better hip movement.  The more I do it, the more I understand how to move my body and be comfortable in me. It has not only given me physical strength and fortitude with confidence, it has given me emotional confidence in how I carry myself.

New Challenges

A mark of age is the accumulation of experiences that make you understand others better.  Some call this empathy. I always considered myself empathetic, but it wasn’t until my brain surgery that I truly became empathetic. I quickly realized we all have challenges (time, financial, health…) and we’re all in a state of recovery (recovering from a medical crisis, getting over heart-break, dealing with addiction…). While challenging, hopefully, we handle our circumstances with energy that keeps us moving forward.

Spring brought hurdles: The short film I was in development on received a note that forced unforeseen rewrites and consequently push back the shooting schedule. In part, the short was my rationale for not putting a race on the books. Time to run and create became further illusive when I booked a big freelance job working on a book trailer. I love freelancing, but with the longer than 8 hour day and unpredictable hours, adds scheduling challenges. Despite the frustration, I love it; this is a lifestyle I’ve built for myself.

I’m excited about living and probably have gone a little overboard at the buffet of life: Day job, freelancing, and I have a love affair with ballroom dancing.  It has given me a mental and physical challenge that I haven’t had since my childhood when I was taking physical therapy in addition to the regular elementary school curriculum. I might not be running 40+ miles a week like I did while marathon training, but I’m getting in 2+ hours of cardio in 3-5 times a week running or dancing. The dancing is building synapses, mending shaky confidence and helping tremendously with PTSD. There are days are that are easier than others. Some days, I’m near tears. One instructor pointed out that I look too safe when I dance. It’s true, but with the recognition of this, it helps me let go and just enjoy the music. Away from the dance floor, I try to visualize (like an Olympic athlete) executing the moves perfectly and then work on the kinks with the pros at the studio.

 

My first challenge came April 6 with a pro-am performance. I forgot how much I loved performing. The high is similar to the excitement that I got with acting— I couldn’t sleep for days. But, dancing is a whole new way of expressing myself that I never experienced. I loved performing so much, I signed up for the studio’s recital at the end of May. (One of my studio teachers convinced me to do another routine.)

Running another endurance race is gnawing at me. I don’t know if I want to set out to PR, but getting another goal on the books feels like the right thing to do. I’m currently looking at November races when I’ll be past my now-annual MRI and beyond the fall wedding season. In the mean time, the cross-training continues at LA Ballroom Studio. 

Happy New Year - 2013 Will Be Better Yet!

The close of a year and the birth of another always gives one time for reflection. We say goodbye to bad habits and with resolve say hello to new ones that will carry us to a better life. We must remember that the root of resolution is RESOLVE. Too often people view resolutions as more of a “I’m going to try to do (a particular task), if it gets too hard, it’s okay if I stop.”  About 7 years ago, I joined a goal group based off of a Flash Forward seminar I took. We encouraged each other to speak in concrete terms. We traded resolution, and replaced it with goal. 

These last two years have been more difficult than I anticipated. I look back to the person I was in early 2010. I was filled with goals and ambition. The brain tumor made it easy to work hard at work and work hard on projects when I got home and only sleep 6.5 hours a night. After surgery, life stopped being so efficient.  I needed lots of sleep to heal. Now, my sleep rhythm has returned to a typical 8-hour night of sleep. I’m losing 1.5 hours of efficiency daily by having a normal sleep pattern. I’m frustrated. Despite this frustration, I’m filled with excitement for the future and my productivity. Goal no longer feels like an appropriate term for the way I have defined 2013.

On my cabinet above my coffee maker, I have my 2013 Assertions. It is a list of daily non-negotiables and below that, long-term objectives. A business wouldn’t enter a new fiscal year without clearly defining how they will meet their goals, and neither should I. By seeing the assertions daily, I am constantly reminded what my objectives are.

The past two years while difficult have been good. I had the misdiagnosis of brain cancer and have over come the anxiety of that and the other misdiagnosis for the need for a second surgery. With those, I went back to my day job and got promoted; ran two half marathons; wrote a commercial for a dating site; wrote an 8-minute short film (still to be shot); & spent lots of time with friends. While I still struggle with PTSD, and need to concentrate on over-all health (who doesn’t), healing is no longer my primary objective.  I can now focus the way I have in years past on setting and achieving my assertions. I accept I am not the same person I was. I cannot weep for the person I lost and I cannot berate myself for not being the person I expected myself to be. We learn from each struggle we face.  I have learned sleep is important and I have learned to I need shake out the chaff of daily life to get to my objective. I have 

written my map and I am excited for what 2013 holds.

More Sleep

Audrey Hepburrn in the
Parmount classic,
Breakfast at Tiffany's.

This weekend my kitchen calendar bares markings that it has never had. In giant black permanent marker Saturday & Sunday are blocked off for “SLEEP.” Yes, I had normal weekend stuff to do like grocery shopping and laundry, but when it came to a “should I do this activity” or an “I’m not maximizing these 48 hours away from the office,” I looked at my calendar and saw SLEEP was scheduled. And, who is one to argue with the calendar? Seeing my scheduled sleep gave me permission to just relax and just take in the breaths of life. I did what my friend, Rachel, has been after me to do since surgery- Sleep until I wake up and when I wake up, roll over and go back to sleep. I took the “wash, rinse, repeat” advice. Sunday I didn’t get up until after 11, which for me is much later than what I allow myself…

Truth be told, now that I have clarity of vision and purpose… (both physically from the tumor removal and spiritually from standing over the abyss) I admit that I have even more drive to excel, to be my very best, and to pack as many moments, memories, and opportunities into my waking moments. (And apparently, I’m packing as any words into a sentence as possible too) I can’t help the need to be do-doing. Without the do-do, I have always felt like I wasn’t pushing hard enough to break through.

After suffering a small break-down Saturday from working on a screenplay about my experience of life post brain surgery and watching a trailer for THE VOW and another one for 50/50, the PTSD reared it’s ugly head. I felt anxiety while grocery shopping and panic gripped me when I walked across the parking lot. My sister reminded me that I need to breath, and stop the do-doing. Stop trying so hard to always be busy working on my career or trying to prove something. (I have been trying to prove something since I was a child, so the concept of not trying is as abstract as string theory.) I need to just be okay with the quiet. (I never have been.) She reiterated that when the sad moments come, it’s okay. Having to readjust my focus or at least be okay with the idea of having PTSD and then accepting and allowing myself to experience the grief and anxiety is equally okay. I shouldn’t limit myself from seeing things that may/may not trigger sorrow. I don’t want to live in the anxiety and I don’t want to really hold on to the events of December 2010. But, it is part of my history, and a year and half isn’t that much time to readjust oneself.  If I quietly mention to of grief wafting into my conscious mind, they too let their guard down too and show their fear from December 2010. None of us are the same.  Our worlds are forever altered.

So, going forward- I have the PTSD hypnosis MP3 created by Brennan Smith, CHt, more sleep, more honesty with grief and fear and certainly MORE RUNNING! 

Running as a Barometer

I should be putting my brain in a box
and allowing it to power down
while I get restorative sleep.

Apparently, I’m at it again. Pushing myself too much & trying too hard to cram in as much as I can into a day. Consequently, I’m not focusing enough on sleep. I’m having fun, but the lack of sleep makes me hit the snooze in the morning and fumble through my catalogue of excuses why I can’t run in the morning. Usually, the excuses are valid- I NEED SLEEP. I’ve already shortchanged myself by staying out too late on a school night and to function efficiently at work, I need to capture as many winks as I can without being late to work.  

The drought of less sleep was short.  I had one brief date with a guy in February. In late March, after my hypnotherapy sessions with Brennan Smith to relieve my PTSD, I did what has become my bigger modus operandi - live with enthusiasm. We had several dates a week & they often took us past my bed time. The dates had deep conversation and we were sharing our joys and passions as we explored LA together. He knew I was a runner, and I knew he wasn’t particularly fond of the sport and smoked on occasion. Nonetheless, when he wanted to support me on the Nike Women’s 10k and we found out he would have to buy a bib to enter the Paramount Pictures lot, I invited him to join me. (I thought it may be fun as he loved movies and I used to work at Paramount.) This was ill-advised. I had intended to run with my female friends, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him “stay home” when he was making an effort to come out and see me.  This was particularly hammered into my head by one male friend who insisted I had to honor the new guy’s wishes and allow him to support me. With no training and only grim determination, this guy ran his very first 10k with me. He completed the 6.2 miles and several hours after the race, he cracked like a nut.   

I have mixed feelings about the outcome. I know this was a very difficult undertaking even if you are trained as I remember how tough my first 5 miles were. On the other hand, the race was a catalyst. I learned in short order some ugly things that may have taken me months to learn otherwise. Letting go of this guy was difficult as he had so many admirable qualities but after my surgery, I do not feel the desire to love a man into being the man my heart believes he can be. Will I be making future suitors run with me? Absolutely. It was a fluke the above mentioned gentleman ran a 10k with me so early into our dating. I will be easing future men into the sport by introducing them to my running group. Do future men I date need to run? No. In fact, in early email correspondence, I mentioned to one I hoped to share my love of the sport & on our first coffee date he told me in no uncertain terms that he would not run. At least he stood up to me & was self aware of himself to know this. He quickly followed it up that he cycles.

The world famous Bronson Gate.
Where an actor named Charles
Buchinski  changed his name...

I will not be using a running shoe as my glass slipper, but an interest in athletics is a must. I’ve come too far to backslide. I must focus on my health, sleep and the Hartford ING half marathon that is about 24 weeks away. There is no time to doddle.

Post Script - It seems a shame not to mention all the great things that I was able to reminisce about while being back on the Paramount since during my tenure I gave two hour tours and was also a mail carrier.  But, we never know what we're going to take away from any experience. I'm sure there will be more races and visits to the Paramount lot where I can wax fondly of my time there.

Another Side Effect of Brain Surgery: PTSD

It turns out recovery from brain surgery is difficult. Like everything in my life so far, it has been non-linear.  I’ve passed the traditional benchmarks like leaving the ICU; laps around the neuro-floor and ultimately being discharged.  These successes lead to full days at work; 2 completed half marathons; weight gain/weight loss; a promotion at work and jumping back into the dating pool. Despite a backslide here and there I was able to throw up my grappling hook and get to the next level. I know I will be able to look back on this chapter and be proud of getting over it and through it, but day-to-day it is rather unsavory.

This latest hurdle started slowly. During the summer, I became more vigilant while crossing the street. I figured this was normal and actually good since there were times prior to my brain tumor diagnosis when people had to grab my arm to stop me from crossing the street in front of an oncoming vehicle. My vigilance crossing the road persisted, but it wasn’t alarmist. I was feeling strong, healthy, & confident with how well I was recovering and with my promotion at work. In the fall of 2011 it seemed appropriate to try dating again. I had a second date with a charming fellow in late November.  It was on a day of one of those LA Fall rainstorms and even though we walked arm-in-arm under a tiny umbrella, at dinner when he complemented me on my ring, I did not give my hand for him to “inspect” the ring more. Even though I had enjoyed the date & his company, I didn’t feel comfortable with the small gesture of giving him my hand. I didn’t think too much about that day until this past weekend when I was walking next to my mom (who had come out for a visit), I jumped out of my skin when she put her arm around me while we were walking down a road. I shrieked and ran to the other side of the road.

Upon quick consideration, I realized that even though I threw myself back into dating, the idea of holding a young man’s hand is far too intimate. I have gone on dates and given hugs, but the skin-to-skin contact of hand to hand is something I can’t fathom doing.

With a little research this quirky and hyper-vigilant behavior is “normal” and is actually PTSD. I never would have thought I could acquire a disorder that seems to be reserved only for the brave men and women who have served our country. The PTSD does not have to occur right after the incident, but it can be triggered after the event. I’ve even read of brain surgery patients experiencing PTSD 20 years after their surgery. The symptoms result when a traumatic event causes an over-reactive adrenaline response, and the response can make the individual hyper-responsive to future fearful situations. A Wikipedia article says “PTSD is believed to be caused by experiencing any of a wide range of events which produces intense negative feelings of "fear, helplessness or horror" in the observer or participant…” It elaborates that being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness can also be a catalyst for bringing on PTSD.  The article is quite informative and worth reading it in its entirety.

Now that I know why I’m acting like a freak, I can own it and correct it. Unlike the “you must have more brain surgery” scare I had in June 2011, I will not let this consume me or derail me. I’m getting over a cold, but once I get through that I can add more running back to my daily life & continue to eat right.  Unlike ignoring my neurological symptoms of my brain tumor, I have told people & I’m telling you. I’ve also reached out to my Certified Hypnotherapist, Brennan Smith to set up a session.  I’ve worked with Brennan for nearly 8 years and besides my minister, he’s one of the people my family asked to see me on the eve of my brain surgery. The future is bright and this too shall pass.