Where's My Motivation?

This was originally intended to be posted March 20, 2016....

I wish I could recreate those moments where it felt so good… Only 5 weeks ago I had conviction. I was exercising daily. I was logging into my various apps, tracking nutrition, water, sleep and exercise. My conviction for improved health hasn’t been that strong since surgery. In 2011, I was just trying to be normal and prove brain surgery and the possible brain cancer wouldn’t keep me down. But this year, everything was different. This time, inspiration and drive was coming from everywhere…. There was the coworker who told me about his Saturday runs in the hills of Griffith Park and what caused the paradigm shift. We talked about simple things, like becoming a better runner is a matter of deciding to get out of bed or to sleep in. Then there are my running friends. They are slightly more competitive with themselves….

So much so that one insists you can't wear a FitBit while working out. You can’t fault her logic because a workout is a workout and the  FitBit is designed to track in your “sedentary” day. Then, there is the crew of people I met by joining Body Space. This is an online community of people on various exercise and nutrition plans working towards their individual health goals. I had all these forces pushing me to be my best and lighting the fire. But, now, finding that happy fire in my belly is impossible. I want to recreate these moments, but I’ve been struggling to get it together. What is wrong with me? All these conversations were happy accidents. Besides, in addition to these big moments, there were probably instances that were so small I didn’t recognize their importance to fire me up at the time. I don’t know how to get it back and trying to recreate these conversations may not yield the same results.

I got two slow miles in again. The cardio hurts like it always does when you restart. But even with my chest burning I pushed through most of the places where I wanted to start walking. And, I loved it. I forgot about the psychological thrill you get when you just go. To my surprise, going didn't seem that bad. It was fun and easier than expected. I need running like eating, I must do it before the day gets out of hand. Running in the morning also makes me more mindful of what I put in my body.

Training While Traveling

I had the best of intentions when packing to go film in Atlanta and then travel to Boston and Connecticut to see friends and family. I packed my running shoes, pants, Garmin watch and various lengths of running shirts. Heck, during filming I woke up early one morning and contemplated hitting the gym. Instead,  I rationalized with my sleep deficit more sleep would be better. Instead of going to the gym, I slept and then had breakfast of waffles and peanut butter.

My trip to Boston was no better. I saw some good friends and sure, it’s Boston so there was walking, but staying an extra day to walk the Freedom Trail held no appeal. The most walking I did was from my friend’s house to the T stop (a half mile) and then taking a circuitous route from his office in the Prudential Center to my other friend’s work at Boylston and Tremont. In Boston, again, I had failed at carving out time to exercise. What I was successful in doing was drinking copious (for me) amounts of alcohol and eating terrific food while seeing friends.

And, what did I do when I got to Connecticut? You’d think possibly the week and a half I had at my parents’ would garner some exercise. Hardly. The most I did was walk a mile every other day with my mom and her horse. These short walks were often followed by a nap. Okay, so maybe I was over 8 hours behind on my weekly sleep goal of 56 hours a week. There are two times in my life I remember sleeping as much as I did,  the first was the weeks after my brain surgery when eating breakfast would tax me so much it often resulted in a 4 hour nap. The second time was the summer after I graduated college, and before I left for Los Angeles. I know sleep shouldn’t be the enemy. But, there is so much I want to do.  One thing that changed my attitude on naps was reading that Ryan Hall takes naps. Ryan friggin Hall naps! Holy moly.

Did I get any runs in during my trip? No. In fact, I left feeling fat and bloated from eating too much and not exercising.  On the other hand, I was deeply satiated by seeing family and friends. Now that I'm back in Los Angeles I can refocus. Sure, these miles are going to be more difficult. Prior to the shoot I felt like I couldn’t take time away from pre-production and invest time to run. This was a setback. This is also insane mind you. We are always going to have things that are going to clamor for our attention. If we want to live a long healthy life, we need to carve out time for us to maintain our fitness goals.

Back to square one. Again. I logged some slow short miles this week and next week will be more of the same. In all likelihood many of the coming weeks will be slow short runs before I feel ready to tackle an official marathon training program.

REBUILDING MY RUNNING BASE - an embarrassing situation

Running. It must be done if one wants to get into MarathonShape. I know I ran in the last three months. Trouble is, I can’t remember my last run. I remember runs I’ve been on, but narrowing down a specific date eludes me.

I have fond memories of running my marathon- the crazy ones where I was running by San Diego’s Wild Animal Park with low blood sugar, and spectators wearing animal masks passed out Icees. I hit the mile shortly after that at mile 20 and remember my mom riding a bike as close to the course that was allowable. And, while hitting The Wall was not fun (why should it be, it’s call “The Wall” for a reason), getting in a shape where I can run 26.2 miles is still a goal. Trouble is, it’s not as big as it was directly after surgery. Directly after surgery I needed to be normal. I was chasing health while running away from the hospital, from the ICU and the deep fear that I was sick, the brain tumor would be part of my life forever. Perhaps, it will be. But, the further I get away from surgery, the less important running 26.2 miles is. 

I am chasing other goals… Chasing developing several TV shows, chasing the full Bronze that will lead to Newcomer Silver in Ballroom… chasing writing goals. And, while I chase these, I know running is necessary. It is necessary so I can have a long and healthy life so I can continue doing things I love. It’s also necessary for my soul. Running has given so much and I found a love for those long runs (even the short ones) with friends. It’s a great way to get out there and explore your city. And, you can’t do much exploring if you can’t run. So, I’m running. For now, not to get back into MarathonShape, but to get back my cardiovascular shape. To get back to where 10 miles feels good. And, to get back to that, I have to start slowly.

It’s embarrassing. I’ve run 10 miles. What the F is wrong with me!? I remember when I first

started running and had no experience. I thought I had to get out there and kill it each time. That is far from the truth. When I joined a running group, my perception started to shift. I had been pushing myself to run 3 miles a day. Now, on my first long run with them, I was regulated to run 1.5 miles. ONE POINT FIVE.  And on that day, while I waited for my then boyfriend, I met the man that would soon be my coach. He took me back to square one and a slow build. Yes, the slow build was the right way… even if it is torture for the ego.

I am back to square one. It is torture for the ego. I know when I was at my peak, I could run 3 miles in about 33 minutes. With time being a precious commodity now, on yesterday’s run, I didn’t want to go out and run 3 miles. I gave myself 30 minutes. Somehow, this was easier. For better or worse, I would get miles in while not sacrificing time from freelancing. In that time, I ran 2.33. From my fitness history, it’s not great, but this is start. More importantly, I got out for a run. By this time next week, I want to run 2.5 miles in 30 minutes, and then keep building. Each week I will reevaluate and figure out how to push myself. Getting out for 30 minutes is not daunting with all the tasks I have to do. It makes it easier for me to wrap my head around running again. It has become necessary for me to build back like I've never run before. It’s a little embarrassing, but that's the truth...

A quick (and very rough) post…

Because I’m tired, but I need to write. February 17, 2011 I returned to work after I took a leave of absence for my emergency brain surgery. I wasn’t quite doing a full 8-hour day and the driving in LA traffic was precarious since my neck still didn’t have a full range of motion. Dad stayed behind and acted as chauffer for a couple more weeks and slowly, I was able to have full driving and work independence. Even today, on days where I’m working 11 hours, I’m thankful that I can since I remember those early rough days.

February 17, 2013 I had another runners’ high while I ran the Pasadena Rock n’ Roll Half Marathon (my 8^th half). Despite being under-trained (although I think those hill repeats in the foothills of Mt. Lee did me some good psychologically), I was only 3 minutes off my PR. This race felt less achy than last year’s Pasadena half marathon and certainly less achy than the half I did 6 months post surgery.

And after these runners’ highs, I am shaken to the core with my own humanity and reminder that healing is a non-linear process. I had a follow-up MRI in San Diego. I was so exhausted I fell asleep in the machine and didn’t even feel the poisonous contrast enter my body. By eight o’clock that night I had all I could do to sit up through dinner, and my 8:30 I was in bed.  I felt ill. A night of cold-sweats and discomfort.  My parents didn’t disturb me for breakfast the next morning.  They kindly brought back some toast & got me some orange juice. One sip of the juice and my body rejected it. I felt like I was a dishrag being run out for every inch of its worth.  I slept until we could check out, followed by more sleep during the 3 hour drive from San Diego to Los Angeles and still more sleep when we got back home. It took almost a day and a half for the radiation poisoning to work its way through my system. My previous MRI (in September) also didn’t leave my stomach in a very happy state, but this one just wiped me out. Plausible theories surrounding this are the accumulation of the contrast that has been pumped into me since December 2010, or the fact I’m nearly 10 pounds skinnier than I was then… which makes it great for running and clothes looking better, but not so great when it comes to enduring MRI contrast. My doctor didn’t make a mention of my next
MRI, so I have some time to recover. I’m not ready to run 3 miles, but I’ll be back on the running path soon. The only thing my doctor said of note was having the two of us work together to raise money for brain tumor research. It looks like I have my work cut out for me- I have my next race to train for & a small (multi-million dollar) fundraising goal. Should be an interesting year.

Happy New Year - 2013 Will Be Better Yet!

The close of a year and the birth of another always gives one time for reflection. We say goodbye to bad habits and with resolve say hello to new ones that will carry us to a better life. We must remember that the root of resolution is RESOLVE. Too often people view resolutions as more of a “I’m going to try to do (a particular task), if it gets too hard, it’s okay if I stop.”  About 7 years ago, I joined a goal group based off of a Flash Forward seminar I took. We encouraged each other to speak in concrete terms. We traded resolution, and replaced it with goal. 

These last two years have been more difficult than I anticipated. I look back to the person I was in early 2010. I was filled with goals and ambition. The brain tumor made it easy to work hard at work and work hard on projects when I got home and only sleep 6.5 hours a night. After surgery, life stopped being so efficient.  I needed lots of sleep to heal. Now, my sleep rhythm has returned to a typical 8-hour night of sleep. I’m losing 1.5 hours of efficiency daily by having a normal sleep pattern. I’m frustrated. Despite this frustration, I’m filled with excitement for the future and my productivity. Goal no longer feels like an appropriate term for the way I have defined 2013.

On my cabinet above my coffee maker, I have my 2013 Assertions. It is a list of daily non-negotiables and below that, long-term objectives. A business wouldn’t enter a new fiscal year without clearly defining how they will meet their goals, and neither should I. By seeing the assertions daily, I am constantly reminded what my objectives are.

The past two years while difficult have been good. I had the misdiagnosis of brain cancer and have over come the anxiety of that and the other misdiagnosis for the need for a second surgery. With those, I went back to my day job and got promoted; ran two half marathons; wrote a commercial for a dating site; wrote an 8-minute short film (still to be shot); & spent lots of time with friends. While I still struggle with PTSD, and need to concentrate on over-all health (who doesn’t), healing is no longer my primary objective.  I can now focus the way I have in years past on setting and achieving my assertions. I accept I am not the same person I was. I cannot weep for the person I lost and I cannot berate myself for not being the person I expected myself to be. We learn from each struggle we face.  I have learned sleep is important and I have learned to I need shake out the chaff of daily life to get to my objective. I have 

written my map and I am excited for what 2013 holds.

MY MUST DO LIST...

When you have to undergo emergency brain surgery at the tender age of 30, friends and neighbors share surprising things about themselves; health secrets that are hidden from anybody outside immediate family are suddenly revealed. I felt privileged to be allowed into this area of their lives. Now, we are members of a club where we stared death in the eye and/or beat the odds to come out cleaner on the other side. The surgeries we had and the maladies we suffer are not important. What I found interesting, although not surprising, is, now, we have lists. Many call their list a bucket list, made extra popular by the Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson film of the same name. As much as I love and respect those two actors, I refuse to call my list a Bucket List. I am not dying any more than the next person. I have friends that call their list a “Leap List.” That does not ring true to my core either because I don’t feel like I’m taking a leap of faith to do anything on the list. I simply want TO DO. And for me, that is simply the most true name. It is “Life’s To Do List.” I always had a list running in the back of my mind like an unobtrusive program on your computer (or breathing). You don’t think about it. It’s simply there. But, shortly after my surgery, I set forth to create a list, and do it well. I researched the types of life lists people do and what they put on them. These items jogged my memory of what I wanted to do and then sparked my inner desires, and I elaborated. Soon, I had a spreadsheet. The list has been taking shape over the last year and a half.  My “to do” now has a date next to the left when the idea was conceived & a date to the right when I complete the activity or adventure.

One thing on my To DO List is to be a better dancer. I had several styles of dance on the list. When one of the Daily Deals on Living Social was ONE MONTH OF UNLIMITED DANCE CLASSES AT NADIA’S RHYTHM ROOM I jumped on it. I purchased my deal & this month, I was finally able to cash it in.

Let’s remember, I have limited rhythm. The limited rhythm I do have is thanks in part to an ex-boyfriend who was Guatemalan and a gay college friend who taught me foundational moves of club dancing. Fast forward to December 2010- I must have surgery to remove a cerebella tumor.  Since the cerebellum is the root of movement and balance, having it disturbed from tumor and surgery presented balance and coordination challenges.

I wanted to sink my teeth in and go all out, but after over-indulging in Victoria, I quickly decided if I danced every day, I might have a small breakdown, so I decided to keep it “easy.” My first day in class was the Cha-Cha. Here too, I saw a challenge I didn’t anticipate… double vision while dancing. Not knowing what to expect, I was glad I brought my prism glasses. While most take glasses off for physical activity, I ran to my bag and put on my glasses to prevent excessive double vision. I knew this next month would present a unique challenge, but I wasn’t going to back down.