L.A. Marathon

Whelp, I did it. I finally singed up for the L.A. Marathon.

I've lived in Los Angels for 14 years and seven of those years I would classify myself as an endurance runner, but I've never run the L.A. Marathon. I've watched the race from home, cheered friends on from the sidelines and even organized a group of bandit runners to pass one friend off like a baton every couple miles while he ran his first marathon.

After my surgery I wrote a bucket list, and on it is "do another endurance race" AND "run the L.A. Marathon." I've done several endurance races since brain surgery, but L.A. Marathon was just too convenient somehow. And, even though I said I wanted to do another marathon because I didn't want to be a one and done marathon runner, the truth of it is, training for a marathon is a giant pain. I do not blame the one and done folks. Your life becomes consumed with training and you have to decline things like cake and build your social life around your training schedule. But the L.A. Marathon is out there; it's on the list. I've crossed some things off because I know they aren't me anymore or even possible, like grow taller, but running the L.A. Marathon is attainable.

More than being attainable, it is more than likely that it will be my last opportunity to do it as an L.A. resident. I feel bad blogging about an imenent move without telling all my friends. Casually commenting, "it will likely be my last opportunity to do a race as an L.A. resident." Moving has been a decision that wasn't easy. But I've started to put the wheels in motion much like training. And, since running a race in the city you live in is more economically sound than buying a plane ticket to fly across the country to run with jet-lag, running the 2017 L.A. Marathon is not only economically sound, it's clinically sound too.

I've gained weight with the new job, lost some muscle and cardio, but I can get it all back and naturally improve. I have 28 weeks to train, starting Monday. My PR is so old, it wasn't even accepted for corral seeding. I'm not training for time (although I'm a competitive person, so even though I say I'm not, training for time my heart is). I'm training for fun. I'll take my camera on the course and take pictures. This will be a fun way to see and say goodbye to the city I've called home for so long.

*If you're reading this and are surprised, let's talk this weekend. I'm sorry our schedules haven't aligned to have a conversation.*

Recalibration

It's easy to do.... The first couple days you feel “Meh” and then that cookie you could've said no to calls your name.

I got a new job. My daily rhythm is out of sync. In an effort to be optimum at the new job and understanding all the moving parts that go with it, I opted for sleep over the gym. I was feeling slightly lethargic and I could see and feel my body changing. More alarming, I could feel my brain chemistry changing— I didn't and don’t like it. 

Through the first three weeks of the new job I battled.

“Today will be the day I start exercising before work.”

“I am behind on my weekly sleep. If I'm going to understand this thing, I need to get adequate sleep. I can go back to the gym later.”

“I feel crummy. These non-gym in the mornings can’t continue”

“What has happened to my cardiovascular system?  Five miles was getting easy.”

And this is what the last three weeks have looked like. The job consumes all my mental bandwidth. I’ve been too tired or too scared to exercise in the morning. The fear comes from the possibility of not having super-human intellect to grasp all the initiatives, causes and responsibilities that the director I’m working with has.

The evening is out the window because I have other commitments or need to get home, eat and go to bed so I can repeat the slippery slope tomorrow. This slope looks like guilt because exercising before work could either A. physically drained me or B. I wouldn’t be “early” to work.

Silly I know. I cannot stay here any more.

The last three weeks have been filled with me telling myself exercise is necessary. Then guilt and or fear creep in for doing it. Worse, when you repeatedly don’t do it, not doing it starts being easy. Not doing it and making less than good food choices becomes easier. The first week I was counting macronutrients. I haven’t counted a macro in 14 days. It would be easier to not count them; they are a pain.

I like macros. I feel really good when I focus on them. I feel even better when I eat them with a solid exercise program. To be my best self I need both.

Knowing this, I still have frustration with myself. By now, my running schedule had me up to 9 miles for a long run on the weekends with a mid-week run of 7. If all I was doing was training, I could be here. BUT, I live in the real world and am supremely lucky to have a job that I enjoy and challenges me. I have to find a balance. It can’t be helped. With this setback, the inner critic starts wagging it’s finger: “You could be doing better. See, who were you kidding? You are not an athlete. An athlete would not let themselves we waylaid by a new job.”

I have friends that are by the true definition, an “athlete.” They are the ones that qualify for the Boston Marathon. They train to run sub-3 hour marathons. They take a divisional fist when they race. 

They also get injured. They get sick. Something happens and they have to work back from being on the Disabled List. It’s not necessarily the nature of training; it’s the nature of being human.

When the flu or injury subside, they have to start training again. It’s not from the beginning; they have to pick up somewhere in the middle, knowing that the first couple sessions back, maybe even the first couple weeks back won’t be fun.

.

Now, it’s my turn.

I was nearly doing an inclined bench of 30 without effort. Now, 25 is rough.  Who knows what my average running speed looks like.  More alarming than these physical challenges, I do not like that I was able to feel my brain chemistry changing. I don't like it. I need to shift myself back to where I was (again). 

The first week will be rough, like I'm learning to do it all over again. I feel lucky. I work for an MD. Yes, he pushes his staff with work and expectations until they cry uncle or make it clear to him that his expectations are unreasonable. But, while he pushes us to intellectual and organizational capacity, he has told me numerous times "we need you healthy." He gets health. He understands the importance of exercise. Now, that I mostly understand the job and he has made this declaration, exercising before work has become priority (again). It needs to stay there. If not for my birthday goal or for my half marathon goal, at the very least I need to keep up the momentum of exercising for myself. 

Beast Mode

I feel like I’ve switched to beast mode.  It’s a term you don’t often hear in polite conversation, unless people are discussing Fantasy Fiction and Werewolves. If your around people that want to show off, (like I did when I was in college) they may even reference Humbaba the Beast.

But, I’m not trying to impress anyone with this near-obscure reference to the Epic of Gilgamesh and I’m often in this state alone. Beast mode is most often used by people training (for something) and is used to describe a mental or physical state in a state of serious training or at a level of high effort.

I gave high levels of effort when I was on the Track & Field team in high school… it was never beast mode. I was running 40+ miles a week when I was deep in my training for my first marathon; that was never beast mode. I didn’t even switch to beast mode training for my first post-brain surgery half marathon.

I was not here last week. Last week I was pre-gamming like I do for an endurance race. Rest, stretch, nourish. Then, show time. Last week’s ballroom dance competition I was in the endurance race head.

This week, a big mental shift happened. It could have been the two hours of boxing and kickboxing I did with a friend last Saturday. It might be that whole you need to do something a month before it becomes a habit. (I’ve been on a new exercise/eating plan for a little over a month.) It might be that this month of solid exercise, sleep and nutrition I’m seeing results… not only physically, but with my cardiovascular system. I’m enjoying this perfect storm that got me here. There were a lot of ups and downs. Now, I just need to stay in this space.

GET ONE ON THE BOOKS

Not me. Not ever.

.  . . And I’m back. 

I’m feeling supremely good. I have the runners’ high that everyone speaks of. When I began the running journey in 2008, I thought people were mad for getting excited over running.

Who gets giddy, excited, high from running?

I'm the girl who "ran" Track and Field in high school and did all the weight events to avoid the running portion of Track and Field. I never understood the runners high. When I got deeper into my marathon training, I learned that it is an actual thing and it's something somebody even like me can have.

Training has been difficult. I started off strong in the spring and summer, but after going through a difficult “break up” in the late part of summer and early fall, those necessary training runs fell by the wayside. A friend called me out on Face Book and suggested I do a 10k that was to benefit brain tumor research. After dallying on signing up for a 10k closer to home, I immediately signed up for that one. I was re-commited to endurance training and dug out my marathon training schedule from 2008/2009. I started laying down the miles.  Muscle memory is great when you're revisiting a neighborhood you haven't been to in awhile, but the muscle memory I experienced with these runs was amazing. Sure, my muscles got a little tired and fatigued. My lung capacity isn’t what it was, but these runs were nothing like the first 3, 4 and 5 mile runs I did when I first found the sport of endurance running.

I was feeling good, but not great. And, certainly not confident. I figured I would use the 10k (6.2 miles) as a training run and just train through. This way, I wouldn’t need to worry about time, a PR or anything. But, I’m a runner, I worry about those things. As my coach from my first marathon told me- Have 3 goals: 1 that you can achieve with work, one that is doable, and the third should always be to finish. My goal was to do a sub 1:21 10k. That was my pace during my marathon, and it was a better 10k pace than the race I did with the closeted smoker. With my toes on my left foot bothering me after a 5 mile run the week before the race and my bridge of my right foot bothering me, I readjusted…. Sub 1:30. Well, that’s what I told everyone and what I tried to tell myself. But I still wanted that sub 1:21 even though I was doubtful I could achieve it.

Within the last year, I discover I have a small wheat intolerance, which forced me to change my eating regimen the night before my long runs. For my 10k, I had a giant bowl of quinoa, some grocery store sushi, 2 glasses of red wine and promptly overslept. I woke up at the time I should be leaving for the race. Fortunately, my ex-boyfriend who was a runner drilled it into my head that you need to lay out all your clothes on a chair the night before. That way you can’t possibly miss anything. When the chair is empty, you know you have all your stuff and you’re ready. 

After waking up late, I threw my extra quinoa in the microwave and ran around the house like a maniac cursing that I slept through my alarms and the imminent road closures I would experience when I got closer to the course. Unable to do my traditional pre-long run morning ritual, I shoveled breakfast into my mouth at red lights. Some how, as I got closer, the road divergences weren’t too bad. Pulling into the parking lot, I finished breakfast and had half a banana.

The rest of the morning was a lot of pre-race festitivies to get the runners excited about the run. This was, after all, a brain tumor event. Survivors were wearing grey shirts. There were probably 10 of us I spotted on the course.

The first mile was slow. So slow. People kept passing me. I was getting discouraged, but dug in. I had been here before, slow to start and run my own race. I kept telling myself, "don’t psych yourself out. Just run the pace that feels good." I knew looking at my watch, I'd inherently slow down thinking my pace was impossible, so I just kept running.

One of my running friends who had run the 5k, found me just after mile 4 and we ran a mile together. She had to peel off to meet friends for brunch, but she told me I had a downhill to look forward to for the rest of the course. I passed people who had passed me, shared waves with other brain tumor survivors and almost crashed into a woman who decided to cross the course at the finish line. 

When the official results came out, I was floored. I didn’t run a 1:21 10k; I ran a 1:13…. A full 8 minutes faster than what I wanted and a full 18 minutes faster than what I expected. This puts my overall pace at 11:46. Sure, it’s a race pace, but my natural pace is somewhere between what I WAS running and this. Now, I have a new sweet spot, a new training pace. I know I can endure long runs at this pace. 

Coupled with tempo runs/intervals/200 repeats/hill repeats, you name it, I’ll get my sub 2:30:00 half. What’s more this and the ballroom go hand in hand. My balance from ballroom has strengthened my core and overall improved my form. My running strengthens my cardiovascular and allows me to keep up with my daning parter/coach. 

I’m absolutley humbled by what I’ve been able to accomplish. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: It’s Amaing What You Can Do Without A Brain Tumor.

But everyone's doing it.

I did it! I did a cleanse. Now, I can say I'm an official Angeleno. Living/working in the city it seems like everyone is on a cleanse or has done a cleanse. You compare notes, talk about how long you did it, benefits of cleansing etc. Friends were concerned about a completely liquid and gave me alternate modalities. I combined what my old roommate and trainer suggested along with the Clementine Cleanse. I stuck to the exercise method laid out by roommate/trainer and leaned up. I was happy with the results, but less happy with the month-long diet after.

I’m struggling with that diet. I have more slips than successes. In general, I do better when I’m given suggestions for success rather than a strict diet. The strict diet makes me like an obstinate child. I'm sad... AND I know a chocolate chip cookie recipe by heart. Ok, I'll make a quick half-batch. This is no way to get to my rhythm skinny.* (Rhythm skinny, a term I've given ballroom dancers who do Latin styles in skimpy outfits.) One friend delicately pointed out, "Rhythm Skinny"was a goal in the beginning of the summer. The gentle reminder helped me reframe that I was trying these limited diets for myself rather than doing it for society or someone else. But, with heartache that is too deep to describe for a fitness & exercise blog, staying on track and honoring my original goal has been more difficult, especially when I know the chlorate chip cookie recipe by heart. Besides, dieting is no fun. My family doesn’t diet well. We do best eating sensibly and the exercising. I’d rather do that. Focus on physical things I like to do, rather than deprivation.

Exercising and eating while working for yourself is tough. I was pumped about producing a horror short with a very talented director. But, since he didn’t feel comfortable signing a contract guaranteeing me pay, I’m walking away.  I can work for myself, investing time in my own projects and have a better Return On Investment of time. In exciting news, an oncologist I’ve worked with approached me to help build his neurogenetics center, so when posed with the question: Would you rather produce a horror short or help find a cure for cancer, my answer will always be: Help find a cure for cancer.

The next couple months will be busy. October has 2 weddings and at the end of the month I have my dance showcase where my routine is nearly full bronze with some silver patterns thrown in. I have a 10k in November and then holiday races. With the new projects and a wonderful relationship coming to an end, my heart and mind are all over the place. I’ve been using the Hal Higdon off and on, but I needed a better focus. I’m nearly starting from square one again. It seemed appropriate to bring out the big guns and use the training schedule that was specifically designed for me by my first coach. The early miles are short, but he has lots of cross training built in.  (The cross-training will be great for ballroom dance and/or weights.) While Ryan had to move to MSP for work, I’m loving using this. I feel like I have him looking over my shoulder. This with a modified diet program from my former roommate and Italian trainer, I feel rejuvenated. Everything will have to be recalibrate. I'll have to remind myself while it's okay to be sad, sugar will not be the million dollar pill to make everything okay. 

Training While Traveling

I had the best of intentions when packing to go film in Atlanta and then travel to Boston and Connecticut to see friends and family. I packed my running shoes, pants, Garmin watch and various lengths of running shirts. Heck, during filming I woke up early one morning and contemplated hitting the gym. Instead,  I rationalized with my sleep deficit more sleep would be better. Instead of going to the gym, I slept and then had breakfast of waffles and peanut butter.

My trip to Boston was no better. I saw some good friends and sure, it’s Boston so there was walking, but staying an extra day to walk the Freedom Trail held no appeal. The most walking I did was from my friend’s house to the T stop (a half mile) and then taking a circuitous route from his office in the Prudential Center to my other friend’s work at Boylston and Tremont. In Boston, again, I had failed at carving out time to exercise. What I was successful in doing was drinking copious (for me) amounts of alcohol and eating terrific food while seeing friends.

And, what did I do when I got to Connecticut? You’d think possibly the week and a half I had at my parents’ would garner some exercise. Hardly. The most I did was walk a mile every other day with my mom and her horse. These short walks were often followed by a nap. Okay, so maybe I was over 8 hours behind on my weekly sleep goal of 56 hours a week. There are two times in my life I remember sleeping as much as I did,  the first was the weeks after my brain surgery when eating breakfast would tax me so much it often resulted in a 4 hour nap. The second time was the summer after I graduated college, and before I left for Los Angeles. I know sleep shouldn’t be the enemy. But, there is so much I want to do.  One thing that changed my attitude on naps was reading that Ryan Hall takes naps. Ryan friggin Hall naps! Holy moly.

Did I get any runs in during my trip? No. In fact, I left feeling fat and bloated from eating too much and not exercising.  On the other hand, I was deeply satiated by seeing family and friends. Now that I'm back in Los Angeles I can refocus. Sure, these miles are going to be more difficult. Prior to the shoot I felt like I couldn’t take time away from pre-production and invest time to run. This was a setback. This is also insane mind you. We are always going to have things that are going to clamor for our attention. If we want to live a long healthy life, we need to carve out time for us to maintain our fitness goals.

Back to square one. Again. I logged some slow short miles this week and next week will be more of the same. In all likelihood many of the coming weeks will be slow short runs before I feel ready to tackle an official marathon training program.