Recalibration

It's easy to do.... The first couple days you feel “Meh” and then that cookie you could've said no to calls your name.

I got a new job. My daily rhythm is out of sync. In an effort to be optimum at the new job and understanding all the moving parts that go with it, I opted for sleep over the gym. I was feeling slightly lethargic and I could see and feel my body changing. More alarming, I could feel my brain chemistry changing— I didn't and don’t like it. 

Through the first three weeks of the new job I battled.

“Today will be the day I start exercising before work.”

“I am behind on my weekly sleep. If I'm going to understand this thing, I need to get adequate sleep. I can go back to the gym later.”

“I feel crummy. These non-gym in the mornings can’t continue”

“What has happened to my cardiovascular system?  Five miles was getting easy.”

And this is what the last three weeks have looked like. The job consumes all my mental bandwidth. I’ve been too tired or too scared to exercise in the morning. The fear comes from the possibility of not having super-human intellect to grasp all the initiatives, causes and responsibilities that the director I’m working with has.

The evening is out the window because I have other commitments or need to get home, eat and go to bed so I can repeat the slippery slope tomorrow. This slope looks like guilt because exercising before work could either A. physically drained me or B. I wouldn’t be “early” to work.

Silly I know. I cannot stay here any more.

The last three weeks have been filled with me telling myself exercise is necessary. Then guilt and or fear creep in for doing it. Worse, when you repeatedly don’t do it, not doing it starts being easy. Not doing it and making less than good food choices becomes easier. The first week I was counting macronutrients. I haven’t counted a macro in 14 days. It would be easier to not count them; they are a pain.

I like macros. I feel really good when I focus on them. I feel even better when I eat them with a solid exercise program. To be my best self I need both.

Knowing this, I still have frustration with myself. By now, my running schedule had me up to 9 miles for a long run on the weekends with a mid-week run of 7. If all I was doing was training, I could be here. BUT, I live in the real world and am supremely lucky to have a job that I enjoy and challenges me. I have to find a balance. It can’t be helped. With this setback, the inner critic starts wagging it’s finger: “You could be doing better. See, who were you kidding? You are not an athlete. An athlete would not let themselves we waylaid by a new job.”

I have friends that are by the true definition, an “athlete.” They are the ones that qualify for the Boston Marathon. They train to run sub-3 hour marathons. They take a divisional fist when they race. 

They also get injured. They get sick. Something happens and they have to work back from being on the Disabled List. It’s not necessarily the nature of training; it’s the nature of being human.

When the flu or injury subside, they have to start training again. It’s not from the beginning; they have to pick up somewhere in the middle, knowing that the first couple sessions back, maybe even the first couple weeks back won’t be fun.

.

Now, it’s my turn.

I was nearly doing an inclined bench of 30 without effort. Now, 25 is rough.  Who knows what my average running speed looks like.  More alarming than these physical challenges, I do not like that I was able to feel my brain chemistry changing. I don't like it. I need to shift myself back to where I was (again). 

The first week will be rough, like I'm learning to do it all over again. I feel lucky. I work for an MD. Yes, he pushes his staff with work and expectations until they cry uncle or make it clear to him that his expectations are unreasonable. But, while he pushes us to intellectual and organizational capacity, he has told me numerous times "we need you healthy." He gets health. He understands the importance of exercise. Now, that I mostly understand the job and he has made this declaration, exercising before work has become priority (again). It needs to stay there. If not for my birthday goal or for my half marathon goal, at the very least I need to keep up the momentum of exercising for myself. 

It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint

For a moment, I am going to take a small detour from the primary concept of this blog. Yes, this is a blog about running, but it’s also a blog about recovery and getting back emotionally and spiritually into marathon shape. 

That said, I had no idea that I took a major emotional and psychological detour in my recovery. While meeting with my supervising producer to discuss my progress at work; what I could do better; and how to put myself on a trajectory for supreme success, she looked at me, and blew a kiss and then dealt my ego a crippling blow. It took me a moment to recovery and I almost felt the need to tap out. But, after she told me everything I was doing wrong, (and what I could do to improve) she looked at me and simply stated, “I get it. We all know that there is a limit to our lives and that the clock is running. Last year, it became extra apparent for you. But, you’re living your life like you can’t live it fast enough.”

WOW. What a realization.  I had no idea that I had become so manic and so driven to reclaim my life and get to where I want and need to be. In July 2010, I left a desk-job and boss I love so I could work in television production full-time. My original position, I was still a desk jockey, but knew that I wanted to work towards being an associate producer. Brain surgery less than six months after taking a career jump, put my life and job on hold and I perceived that it set me back. I’ve struggled and worked hard to get back to where I was. Sleeping 8-10 hours a night was unconscionable in my mind and after the first hump of not consistently needing 10, I pushed myself to sleep less, and then sleep less than 8 so I could maintain the same productivity I enjoyed years prior to surgery. The problem with this (more than adding in morning runs) is two-fold: 1. My body is still healing & now that I’m running more, it needs to have restorative sleep so that muscles can mend and function properly. 2. Most people need 8 hours of sleep and there is no shame in requiring it.

"Let your light so shine before men, that they
may see your good works, and glorify your Father 
who is in heaven' Matthew 5:16

My supervisor is right; I do feel like I’m playing catch-up. I have two options now, I could judge myself based off my peers (which is easy since you always want to be as good as the people you work with), but I think the I’ll take advice of a friend, just strive to be the best that I can be that is within my capabilities.

I’ll tell you the what, the moment I accepted I was acting manic and living my life with the fast-forward button jammed on, it allowed me to take a step back to breathe, accept and love what I currently have.