Time of My Life

Two elite students crashed my first Cha-Cha class. My instructor was struggling juggling teaching Beginner and Intermediate & I was simply struggling. The female took over the Beginners while the male took pity on me and gave me a near-private lesson. For one particular move, he told me to pretend like I was walking. I did as he commanded and then he chastised me, “you wouldn’t walk like that!” My response was simple, “I do. But, this could be why I trip on my own feet.”  This remark actually worked well and made me much more conscious of how I walk! 

With my dance experience with my Guatemalan-ex, Salsa was relatively easy. My  biggest struggle came on a Thursday when I worked a 12-hour day earlier that week. Despite having my prism glasses to help keep the double vision at bay, the further we got into the warm-up, the worse the vision. I sat down until it subsided. Still feeling crummy, I had to excuse myself and go home. According to an article published by Johns Hopkins, double vision is a common problem among children and adults who have diseases that also affect balance.

 For some later Cha-Cha classes, Nadia Eftedal herself was our instructor.  She saw I still couldn’t put everything together and she broke it down to bite size pieces that I could digest and hopefully remember. My dancing skills are not for lack of trying, I simply couldn’t get it. Growing up in a remote area of CT, dance classes weren’t prevalent, so I couldn’t build on something I learned when I was younger. YouTube wasn’t helpful; after showing the basic step once, instructors went on to more sophisticated moves. The best I could find were Dancing With the Stars videos but even without the benefit of having an instructor there to guide you, you were lost.

Which brings me to the title of the piece— I have a lot of favorite films, & “Dirty Dancing” is one of them.  Around the time of my lumbar puncture when “brain cancer” was what we weren’t talking about, I had to have what would become one in a series of MRIs. An MRI tech offered to pump music into the machine for me to help the time pass. This particular day was on the heals of Patrick Swayze’s death. “Time of my Life” came on. In the MRI I remembered I was supposed to stay still. I managed to put a cork in my emotions, but I have never before or since been filled with so much rage. Rage at what I had (at that point was mid-grade cancer) and rage that Patrick Swayze had an amazing career and here I was cut short from doing what I was designed to do. It took me a long time to get over this. I’d change the dial when the song came on. I hadn’t even watched the movie since the surgery. AND here, struggling with the Cha-Cha, the only place I knew I could turn to with specific dance moves was “Dirty Dancing.”  I cued the DVD up to the exact scene where I knew I could find Baby, Johnny, and Penny. I saw the rhythm and what their frames looked like… since the story wasn’t going for instructional dance video and it was about them, the camera didn’t focus on their feet, but I felt it. I watched other scenes and saw different styles of dance, THAT I WAS LEARNING being incorporated into the now iconic dances that Baby was doing!

I still have not watched the film in its entirety since surgery and/or enrolling in dance classes. I haven’t heard Time of My Life in its entirety. But, just taking classes has helped in my daily life with balance and posture. I have a different kind of confidence.  I don’t intended to become a professional dancer, but having this new skill is fun and I intend on building on it. Now that I have another thing crossed off my “To Do List,” what can I add to help me continue to grow?

Two Weeks Travel

Totem Poles @ Stanley Park,
Vancouver, BC, Canada

I have returned from a whirlwind trip to CT, Seattle, & British Columbia. I’m not quite settling into normal… The normal I have had is not the normal I am pushing myself to shift into. I still desire to get back to running several times a week. I need to remind myself of what Sherry Lansing said during my college commencement, “you can have it all; you just can’t have it all at once.” I am certain that she was not figuring brain surgery or any kind of health set back. Set backs and bumps in the road are expected. It could be seeing Jeff, or it could be the talk of commencement speeches, but it makes me recall high school. The valedictorian was a mutual friend of Jeff & me. In her speech she told us we would have bumps in the road. She spoke of the pet goat who was neutered & on the same day of his operation, was hit by the lawnmower & his horn was cut short. Despite the goat withstanding these traumas all in an afternoon, he lived a very full & vibrant life. She encouraged us to do the same.

2-hour sunset kayak tour

I doubt the goat was concerned about shifting his paradigm to something more similar to the life he had before surgery. I know I am not the same person I was when I had surgery. Priorities have shifted- most for the better. While not fully enjoying the demand for sleep, I am making it more of a priority. Needing to stay active is also a  priority. This need is not driven fear to be fit for the next surgery. It is driven by joy & the pure ability that I can do it. I like being able to run 10 miles & I LOVE the new coordination I have because I don’t have the tumor pressing on my cerebellum.

While traveling in the Pacific Northwest, I was outside every day & walked everywhere… likely 3-5 miles a day. I never quite grasped the metric system until I took up running & because of it, I could assimilate & speak in kilometers when talking distance. The bike ride around Stanley Park was 10k (6.2 miles) & the round trip distance from my hostel to the breakwater in Victoria was roughly 5k. I probably kayaked 3k in Victoria harbor (with Kelp Reef Adventures) and my Vancouver walking tour (including a trip to Lynn Canyon) is an estimated 6k. The hike with Jeff through a path in the Cascades just outside of Seattle was 7.2 miles. I was never at a shortage of activities & even though I gained 1 lb, my clothes fit better. (I’m hoping that 1 pound is muscle, not pastry/ice cream/coffee.)

Lynn Canyon Suspension 
Bridge. Next time, Capilano
Suspension Bridge

I'm back home and it's time to get back to reality. Instead of 8-10+ hours of activity, I am 8-10+ hours behind a desk and wheel of the car.  I need to shift again and carve out time to exercise. Also, as Jeanette at Soloma Fitness has been reminding me, I need to build in activities throughout my workday, particularly because I have a stationary job. Small stretches, leg lifts, etc, will keep me in better health. Jeanette is also the reason I keep a carafe of water on my desk to drink through the day.

With the strength I have built from vacation travel and a focus on "some distance is better than no distance," consistent long distance will become normal again. (The dance classes I start next month should also add a fun cardiovascular activity while helping cross another thing on my to-do list.) 

Non-Linear Recovery. So Be It.

Paramount's Famous Bronson Gate

I don’t know why it always comes as a surprise when I move in a linear progression with recovery then something happens and I am quickly reminded that recovery is NON-LINEAR. When I was younger and wanting to get into “The Biz,” I gorged on books and read countless examples of how one can achieve the position they want, and sometimes the position they have wasn’t what they expected. Sherry Lansing, former CEO of Paramount Pictures was an actress and even played opposite of such legends as John Wayne. She climbed her way to the top in what one may say an unconventional fashion. I loved her when I was younger, and I still respect and admire how she has paved the way for women in entertainment and what she does philanthropically. She is one of many who sidestepped their way to the top.

When I moved to Los Angeles, I interned on a one-hour drama… some of the writers took traditional routes of PA to writer’s assist to writer, then there was the writing team who started off writing video games and then turned one of those games into an animated series, and then they eventually were writing for TV shows.

Non-linear advancement is germane to the entertainment industry. Many will give you an anecdote of how to “make it” in the Entertainment Industry. Yes, there are non-linear paths in other professions, professions where one can get from point A to H, but maybe jump to I first and then eventually exit after Z. This non-linear has been my Modus operandi thus far.  If that’s the case, it’s only logical I would be drawn to an industry that has a non-traditional method of grading and advancement. If my life path and career path have been non-linear, why should my recovery be any different? In fact, I should take comfort that my recovery has been non-linear since it’s me.

This summer I am approaching my 10-year anniversary of living in Los Angeles.  During that time I’ve hocked swag (1 day) in front of a local grocery store (ironically down the road from Paramount); worked in retail; and done the traditional Hollywood entry-level position twice over, meaning I was a page AND I worked in the mailroom. From the mailroom I worked as an Admin Assist/Coordinator in the syndicated TV sales office.

Now, nearly 10 years after moving to Los Angeles, I am reminded that I have worked on two projects that were nominated for Emmys- the first being an LA Regional Emmy nomination for a PSA I co-wrote and now as an Associate Producer for Judge Joe Brown. We celebrated our hard work and nomination at the Beverly Hilton during the 39^th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards this past weekend.  Everyone on the staff has a different story of how they got here. Amazingly, even though he is the host of the second highest rated court show, this is the first nomination for Judge Brown.  During our

Fancy makeup-non-
running clothes-me.

celebration, he reminded us of the victories that we have achieved during the 14 years the show has been on the air. I am blessed to work on a great show and have co-workers I can call friends. Our hard-working staff and all the other TV productions reminds me of a conversation I had with our Senior Supervising Producer (whom I was assisting at the time). When I was chomping at the bit to come back to work after surgery, my boss reminded me: “This is television production. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. We’ll be here when you get back.” It’s true. They were there then, and they are here now. They are always looking out for me as we look out for each other going through medical crises. Judge Brown has been on the air for 14 years and last night we celebrated his first nomination.  There will be a win for him soon. Just because there isn’t a statuette on his mantle this week, it shouldn’t take away from everything he’s achieved and the example he’s set. I need to take the Daytime Emmys as an example. I must stop looking at what I’m not doing with the running and start looking at everything I can do…. And am doing.

It's a Marathon, Not a Sprint

For a moment, I am going to take a small detour from the primary concept of this blog. Yes, this is a blog about running, but it’s also a blog about recovery and getting back emotionally and spiritually into marathon shape. 

That said, I had no idea that I took a major emotional and psychological detour in my recovery. While meeting with my supervising producer to discuss my progress at work; what I could do better; and how to put myself on a trajectory for supreme success, she looked at me, and blew a kiss and then dealt my ego a crippling blow. It took me a moment to recovery and I almost felt the need to tap out. But, after she told me everything I was doing wrong, (and what I could do to improve) she looked at me and simply stated, “I get it. We all know that there is a limit to our lives and that the clock is running. Last year, it became extra apparent for you. But, you’re living your life like you can’t live it fast enough.”

WOW. What a realization.  I had no idea that I had become so manic and so driven to reclaim my life and get to where I want and need to be. In July 2010, I left a desk-job and boss I love so I could work in television production full-time. My original position, I was still a desk jockey, but knew that I wanted to work towards being an associate producer. Brain surgery less than six months after taking a career jump, put my life and job on hold and I perceived that it set me back. I’ve struggled and worked hard to get back to where I was. Sleeping 8-10 hours a night was unconscionable in my mind and after the first hump of not consistently needing 10, I pushed myself to sleep less, and then sleep less than 8 so I could maintain the same productivity I enjoyed years prior to surgery. The problem with this (more than adding in morning runs) is two-fold: 1. My body is still healing & now that I’m running more, it needs to have restorative sleep so that muscles can mend and function properly. 2. Most people need 8 hours of sleep and there is no shame in requiring it.

"Let your light so shine before men, that they
may see your good works, and glorify your Father 
who is in heaven' Matthew 5:16

My supervisor is right; I do feel like I’m playing catch-up. I have two options now, I could judge myself based off my peers (which is easy since you always want to be as good as the people you work with), but I think the I’ll take advice of a friend, just strive to be the best that I can be that is within my capabilities.

I’ll tell you the what, the moment I accepted I was acting manic and living my life with the fast-forward button jammed on, it allowed me to take a step back to breathe, accept and love what I currently have.

13 of 1 OR Half of Another…

“It's not about how fast you go. It's not about how far you go. It's a process.” - Amby Burfoot, The Runner's Guide to the Meaning of Life

I’m a multi-tasker; I can’t help myself.  If I can do one thing, but add another activity to either enhance the primary activity or cut down on the time it will take me to do activity #2, I’ll do it. This is how I ended up completing my 3^rd post-op MRI and 6^th Half-Marathon in the same weekend. I figured since I was already in San Diego county for my MRI, I might as well do a half-marathon.

With every race, you learn something. Part of my lesson is- I will never again say, “just a half-marathon.”



A best friend, Rachel- Who has been
with me nearly every step of the way,
from the ER to the half-marathon.

I knew I couldn’t set a PR (Personal Record) at this race, but I did this race to prove something to myself- that I have more power over my life than my brain tumor.  My realistic goal was sub 3 hours; I figured with a little pushing this would be possible. To make sure I didn’t focus on time, I left my Garmin at home.  At Mile 8, my feet felt bruised and at mile 8.5 my hip-flexors were sore. Somewhere in there, a girl passed me wearing a Philippians 4:13 shirt.  (This happens to be a friend's go-to Bible passage for when things get rough and on his first run back after the his difficult marathon, we did a 10-miler together and he shared this with me.) My body still ached but I pressed on. The bands nearly every mile fed some energy to me and the other runners, but the stretch along the sloped 163 was void of crowds and bands. I buckled down and sang from a song another friend burned for me  “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ ‘Till You See What God Can Do…”  It has helped with just the normal healing process and helped here to get through the less eccentric areas of the race. 

There were portions of the race where I just couldn’t run, and hobbling several yards was the best I could do. From mile 10 to mile13.1, each mile was 3 min slower than my starting pace, which was slower still than my old training pace.

I am not a gifted athlete. I love what I do and I try really hard.  My found love of long-distance running is what made me a great patient and helped with my initial recovery. I’m not going to set the world on fire with my pace, but I will always be grateful that I can put one foot in front of the other and run 13.1 miles (especially on 6 months post-op).  

It’s not “just a half;” it’s a journey. It’s a journey that took me 2:50:00 to complete and a heck of a lot of post-race Ben Gay. 

A Day Off With Core Training to Come

Who am I, Sleeping Beauty? My run last night felt great. (As great as a run can feel when you're fatigued from a day of work and long run over the weekend.) There’s nothing like sitting in the back of my car with the back hath open swapping my orthotics between the Brooks’ Addiction (the sneakers I wear for long runs) and my Brooks’ Arial for my shorter runs.  Simple things like this make me feel like an Elite Runner. The 2 mile slow slog did not, but this recovery run is key… not only to be used to running on tired muscles but to keep my weekly mileage up and to prevent injury. You can’t just do a long run on the weekend and call it good.

Despite a short run, early to bed and a solid 9 hours of sleep, I still found myself napping in my car at lunch.  At the request of my boss and co-workers, I called my neurologist. She said I need to sleep more and to take it easy.  From running my previous marathon, I know sleep is key, especially when you get into those longer runs. The combined major surgery and just effort of running is probably enough to make me require more sleep.

Tonight, no run. The good news is- I got my workout DVD in the mail!  I ordered THE PERFECT PREGNANCY WORKOUT. I am not pregnant, but after seeing the astounding results my pregnant sister had, I figured if it can do this for her, imagine what it can do for me!  While vanity may play a tiny part, the bigger goal is to have a strong core to make me a more efficient runner.  You cannot see the results of something without a before and after, so here is my modest Before.  A modest After will come later.  As you can see- I need more core strength.  I lost weight in the ICU, and then promptly gained it all back and then some eating the delectable treats that were brought to me to nurse me back to health. I got stronger, but didn't take into account that I couldn't exercise.