Personal Worst

There is nothing better to kick-start your drive to really buckle down to stick to a training program like going to watch an endurance race.

On the weekend of October 12, 2012, I took a redeye home to Connecticut to see my brother-in-law kick butt running his first marathon at the Hartford ING Marathon. His calmness before a major race was amazing, and I believe it is due in large part from his experience running track for a Division 1 college. Navigating some of the logistics of any big race held us up & my sister and I caught clothes as he stripped while he slowly sprinted to the start. (Mind you he can do a sub 7:00mi and my sister and I feel good if we do an 11:30.) He got to the start & ended up having to jump into the 4hr coral, which was a full hour slower than where he should have been.

My sister & I, along with my niece (in the jogging stroller) sprinted to the 5k start. The gun time was the same time as the marathon gun and despite it being less than a block away, by the time we got there, there was not a runner in sight. We were so late the volunteers were already rolling up the starting mat. They were kind enough to plug it back in so we could have the official chip time. There is nothing more demoralizing than starting a race and having to stop to ask for directions. Well, there’s almost nothing. It become more demoralizing when fast people showed up. Now, we really felt like we had gone off course. We kept going & finally found an officer that told us, “Yes, the half marathon and 5k briefly share the same course.” We continued slowly, with some trepidation until we saw another “runner.” Well, she really wasn’t expending that much energy while going up the hill.  My sister leaned over and said, “let’s pass her.” So, she, I, and baby scurried up the hill. When we continued past the crest, we saw more 5kers. We weren’t going fast, but we pushed forward. My sister and I never wanted to walk a race and we never wanted to finish last; it looked like at least finishing last was a possibility.

We continued to maneuver through walkers. Our guts were a little upset, but we bypassed the porta-potties. (For me, in larger part this could have been a result of my travel problems and the accompanied stress eating and feeding my mostly-vegetarian body turkey sandwiches.) We were slow, but we didn’t want a worse time.  Our end almost came when we saw a Dunkin’ Donuts and actually discussed how great a coffee and donut would be on this 47* day. We concluded that would just be giving up too easily. We finally stopped at some porta-potties that were literally in the path of the race course. We did our slow turtle run to the finish, passing walkers, cell talkers and texters. It wasn’t a great race, in fact, she and I each dubbed it as our Personal Worst. Somehow, despite our bad start, walking a little, and our extra-long stop at a porta-poty (somebody had to wait with the baby) we passed and beat 87 people! 

 

We had time to get back to the finish to go cheer on her husband who finished his first marathon in just over 3:19, despite cramping up at mile 22. From the leg cramps he got, it’s a miracle he was able to still do so well. It’s still too early to know if he’s going to do another marathon just yet, but from talking with him after I am reminded again why I fell in love with the sport of endurance running. Despite the fatigue and pain (and wall), reconnecting with the race makes me want to stop giving myself outs for running and "Just Do It."

Time of My Life

Two elite students crashed my first Cha-Cha class. My instructor was struggling juggling teaching Beginner and Intermediate & I was simply struggling. The female took over the Beginners while the male took pity on me and gave me a near-private lesson. For one particular move, he told me to pretend like I was walking. I did as he commanded and then he chastised me, “you wouldn’t walk like that!” My response was simple, “I do. But, this could be why I trip on my own feet.”  This remark actually worked well and made me much more conscious of how I walk! 

With my dance experience with my Guatemalan-ex, Salsa was relatively easy. My  biggest struggle came on a Thursday when I worked a 12-hour day earlier that week. Despite having my prism glasses to help keep the double vision at bay, the further we got into the warm-up, the worse the vision. I sat down until it subsided. Still feeling crummy, I had to excuse myself and go home. According to an article published by Johns Hopkins, double vision is a common problem among children and adults who have diseases that also affect balance.

 For some later Cha-Cha classes, Nadia Eftedal herself was our instructor.  She saw I still couldn’t put everything together and she broke it down to bite size pieces that I could digest and hopefully remember. My dancing skills are not for lack of trying, I simply couldn’t get it. Growing up in a remote area of CT, dance classes weren’t prevalent, so I couldn’t build on something I learned when I was younger. YouTube wasn’t helpful; after showing the basic step once, instructors went on to more sophisticated moves. The best I could find were Dancing With the Stars videos but even without the benefit of having an instructor there to guide you, you were lost.

Which brings me to the title of the piece— I have a lot of favorite films, & “Dirty Dancing” is one of them.  Around the time of my lumbar puncture when “brain cancer” was what we weren’t talking about, I had to have what would become one in a series of MRIs. An MRI tech offered to pump music into the machine for me to help the time pass. This particular day was on the heals of Patrick Swayze’s death. “Time of my Life” came on. In the MRI I remembered I was supposed to stay still. I managed to put a cork in my emotions, but I have never before or since been filled with so much rage. Rage at what I had (at that point was mid-grade cancer) and rage that Patrick Swayze had an amazing career and here I was cut short from doing what I was designed to do. It took me a long time to get over this. I’d change the dial when the song came on. I hadn’t even watched the movie since the surgery. AND here, struggling with the Cha-Cha, the only place I knew I could turn to with specific dance moves was “Dirty Dancing.”  I cued the DVD up to the exact scene where I knew I could find Baby, Johnny, and Penny. I saw the rhythm and what their frames looked like… since the story wasn’t going for instructional dance video and it was about them, the camera didn’t focus on their feet, but I felt it. I watched other scenes and saw different styles of dance, THAT I WAS LEARNING being incorporated into the now iconic dances that Baby was doing!

I still have not watched the film in its entirety since surgery and/or enrolling in dance classes. I haven’t heard Time of My Life in its entirety. But, just taking classes has helped in my daily life with balance and posture. I have a different kind of confidence.  I don’t intended to become a professional dancer, but having this new skill is fun and I intend on building on it. Now that I have another thing crossed off my “To Do List,” what can I add to help me continue to grow?

MY MUST DO LIST...

When you have to undergo emergency brain surgery at the tender age of 30, friends and neighbors share surprising things about themselves; health secrets that are hidden from anybody outside immediate family are suddenly revealed. I felt privileged to be allowed into this area of their lives. Now, we are members of a club where we stared death in the eye and/or beat the odds to come out cleaner on the other side. The surgeries we had and the maladies we suffer are not important. What I found interesting, although not surprising, is, now, we have lists. Many call their list a bucket list, made extra popular by the Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson film of the same name. As much as I love and respect those two actors, I refuse to call my list a Bucket List. I am not dying any more than the next person. I have friends that call their list a “Leap List.” That does not ring true to my core either because I don’t feel like I’m taking a leap of faith to do anything on the list. I simply want TO DO. And for me, that is simply the most true name. It is “Life’s To Do List.” I always had a list running in the back of my mind like an unobtrusive program on your computer (or breathing). You don’t think about it. It’s simply there. But, shortly after my surgery, I set forth to create a list, and do it well. I researched the types of life lists people do and what they put on them. These items jogged my memory of what I wanted to do and then sparked my inner desires, and I elaborated. Soon, I had a spreadsheet. The list has been taking shape over the last year and a half.  My “to do” now has a date next to the left when the idea was conceived & a date to the right when I complete the activity or adventure.

One thing on my To DO List is to be a better dancer. I had several styles of dance on the list. When one of the Daily Deals on Living Social was ONE MONTH OF UNLIMITED DANCE CLASSES AT NADIA’S RHYTHM ROOM I jumped on it. I purchased my deal & this month, I was finally able to cash it in.

Let’s remember, I have limited rhythm. The limited rhythm I do have is thanks in part to an ex-boyfriend who was Guatemalan and a gay college friend who taught me foundational moves of club dancing. Fast forward to December 2010- I must have surgery to remove a cerebella tumor.  Since the cerebellum is the root of movement and balance, having it disturbed from tumor and surgery presented balance and coordination challenges.

I wanted to sink my teeth in and go all out, but after over-indulging in Victoria, I quickly decided if I danced every day, I might have a small breakdown, so I decided to keep it “easy.” My first day in class was the Cha-Cha. Here too, I saw a challenge I didn’t anticipate… double vision while dancing. Not knowing what to expect, I was glad I brought my prism glasses. While most take glasses off for physical activity, I ran to my bag and put on my glasses to prevent excessive double vision. I knew this next month would present a unique challenge, but I wasn’t going to back down.

Two Weeks Travel

Totem Poles @ Stanley Park,
Vancouver, BC, Canada

I have returned from a whirlwind trip to CT, Seattle, & British Columbia. I’m not quite settling into normal… The normal I have had is not the normal I am pushing myself to shift into. I still desire to get back to running several times a week. I need to remind myself of what Sherry Lansing said during my college commencement, “you can have it all; you just can’t have it all at once.” I am certain that she was not figuring brain surgery or any kind of health set back. Set backs and bumps in the road are expected. It could be seeing Jeff, or it could be the talk of commencement speeches, but it makes me recall high school. The valedictorian was a mutual friend of Jeff & me. In her speech she told us we would have bumps in the road. She spoke of the pet goat who was neutered & on the same day of his operation, was hit by the lawnmower & his horn was cut short. Despite the goat withstanding these traumas all in an afternoon, he lived a very full & vibrant life. She encouraged us to do the same.

2-hour sunset kayak tour

I doubt the goat was concerned about shifting his paradigm to something more similar to the life he had before surgery. I know I am not the same person I was when I had surgery. Priorities have shifted- most for the better. While not fully enjoying the demand for sleep, I am making it more of a priority. Needing to stay active is also a  priority. This need is not driven fear to be fit for the next surgery. It is driven by joy & the pure ability that I can do it. I like being able to run 10 miles & I LOVE the new coordination I have because I don’t have the tumor pressing on my cerebellum.

While traveling in the Pacific Northwest, I was outside every day & walked everywhere… likely 3-5 miles a day. I never quite grasped the metric system until I took up running & because of it, I could assimilate & speak in kilometers when talking distance. The bike ride around Stanley Park was 10k (6.2 miles) & the round trip distance from my hostel to the breakwater in Victoria was roughly 5k. I probably kayaked 3k in Victoria harbor (with Kelp Reef Adventures) and my Vancouver walking tour (including a trip to Lynn Canyon) is an estimated 6k. The hike with Jeff through a path in the Cascades just outside of Seattle was 7.2 miles. I was never at a shortage of activities & even though I gained 1 lb, my clothes fit better. (I’m hoping that 1 pound is muscle, not pastry/ice cream/coffee.)

Lynn Canyon Suspension 
Bridge. Next time, Capilano
Suspension Bridge

I'm back home and it's time to get back to reality. Instead of 8-10+ hours of activity, I am 8-10+ hours behind a desk and wheel of the car.  I need to shift again and carve out time to exercise. Also, as Jeanette at Soloma Fitness has been reminding me, I need to build in activities throughout my workday, particularly because I have a stationary job. Small stretches, leg lifts, etc, will keep me in better health. Jeanette is also the reason I keep a carafe of water on my desk to drink through the day.

With the strength I have built from vacation travel and a focus on "some distance is better than no distance," consistent long distance will become normal again. (The dance classes I start next month should also add a fun cardiovascular activity while helping cross another thing on my to-do list.) 

From The Road....

Summer is here and that means Summer Olympics, but more importantly summer hiatus. Hiatus is that time when our production office closes for a much-needed break. In the past this has meant flying to visit family, usually coupled with ample downtime in Los Angles. By downtime, I mean cleaning & organizing mixed with time with friends.  This year has been very similar, only with a slight variation… my niece was baptized (so now I’m a godmother) and I’m traveling! Once emerging from the woods after surgery & not too far after my first post-surgical half marathon, I made a TO DO LIST. I do not accept the term “bucket list,” and have actually renounced this label. A “To Do List” is so much perkier and far more accurate, especially because I am not dying any more than the next.

After spending a few short days in Connecticut, it was off to the Pacific Northwest. What originally was going to be a quick 8 day trip quickly blossomed into a full fledge adventure. The more people I spoke to, the more I was encouraged to maximize my hiatus. I spent the first 2.5 days in Seattle visiting a friend I’ve had since I was 11. I stayed with him (Jeff) and his fiancé- we walked nearly everywhere. I thought Los Angeles was fit, but those in Seattle have us beat.  Seattle has hills that rival San Francisco, & I’m told the winters are milder and a good hike is a short car drive away.

Jeff has always been a tremendous supporter of mine. Despite me being shy through all of junior high and high school, Jeff was there. Had I been brave, I would have opened up, but even opening up to friends was difficult. When I was in the hospital, Jeff was one of the first friends to reach out, show support and give me rounds of the encouragement I needed to heal.  I am so happy that even though we live in different states we have become closer, and I am no longer afraid to discuss things that friends discuss.

Lake Serene in the Cascade Mountains

When Jeff has had to travel to Los Angeles for business, he has made a point of reaching out to me & making sure we connect. I have been looking forward to being able to see him in his neighborhood. Jeff and I were on track together- and I knew that he had become an avid hiker.  I only knew about the Olympics in Washington, mainly because of the National Parks series that Ken Burns did. When I suggested a hike in the Olympics, Jeff countered with a hike in the Cascades, where we can spend more time on the trail and less time in the car.  After sleeping in and a breakfast of pastry from Bakery Nouveau, we set off for the tail head. The air was crisp and as is customary with Seattle in August, it was clear. We hiked 3.5 miles in past moss-covered trees that looked like something out of "The Dark Crystal," past a waterfall where Jeff startled a hiker so much, she screamed for a solid 2-seconds, and up numerous flights of stairs. One would think the stairs would be no big deal, but after trying to maintain balance on slick rocks crossing rivulets and having moderate double vision  (more from the amount of visual information I was trying to process and less from fatigue) while trying to keep your footing quads and glutes were aching.  Jeff, who stands nearly a foot taller than me and has more hiking experience, did not lead us at any break neck pace, & made sure we had time for water and rest our knees. Still, I thought we hustled, but it took us nearly 3 hours to reach our destination of Lake Sere. And, serene it was. We dined on turkey sandwiches on fresh baguettes, taking in the beauty of the lake and the surroundings.

Like most endurance activities with friends, it always is a time to be introspective and share things you may not necessarily share in daily life. It was comforting to talk with Jeff about the successes I’ve had and share some setbacks I’ve experienced. As Jeff has always done, he gave the encouragement and reassurance, all in the right doses… reminding me that what I’m doing to stay in shape & stay positive. Staying positive is sometimes easier said then done with the incredible residual shrinking and growing brain tumor, but getting out in nature with friends and getting the blood pumping on a run or hike is a great way to bring my mind back to being thankful and living life to the utmost fullest.